


I'll Be Your Wingman, Dood (Even Though I Only Have Flippers)

by LoneSardine



Category: Disgaea (Games), Disgaea 4: A Promise Unforgotten
Genre: And one very special prinny in particular, But this is mainly about prinnies, Lots and lots of prinnies dood, M/M, Pre-Canon, Sardines (obviously), There's a lot of other characters who only get one or two lines, This is like Disgaea 4: The Romcom, With added museum heists and fight scenes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-09
Updated: 2020-07-09
Packaged: 2021-03-05 06:20:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 30,214
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25169842
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LoneSardine/pseuds/LoneSardine
Summary: Jeez, dood, I still don't understand how I got roped into playing Lord Valvatorez's romantic wingman, nor how the dood got himself into the situation of asking me of all prinnies.Look, I know you might not think any prinny can have a very interesting story to tell, dood, and you'd prefer Lord Valvatorez to tell this one. But this is a story he won't tell a dood like you, so you'll just have to get all the juicy secrets from me instead if you want them. And they're pretty juicy ones about him and his pet wolf-hunk, dood.My time in Hades was certainly one wild ride, dood...
Relationships: Barubatoze | Valvatorez/Fenrihhi | Fenrich
Comments: 8
Kudos: 21





	1. It Begins, Dood

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There needs to be more prinny-love around here, dood, I'm telling you. Look at all you readers thinking only those hot, humanoid characters with funny names have stories worth telling in the _Disgaea_ fandom.
> 
> Okay, so I guess this story is mostly about Lord Valvatorez and Fen-dood. I know that's what you doods really came to read about instead of a prinny like me. Don't worry, I'll get to that part soon, dood.

Was I human?

What sort of human was I?

Even if I was a human, what am I now?

My flat, blue flipper can feel the smooth wood of my peg legs, but that feels nothing, only an indirect sense of pressure in the stump it's attached to. When my white stomach twists with hunger under the pouch belted around me, pressing on it feels like there’s nothing inside of my whole body.

Looking around a room of blue penguins with white stomachs, little brown pouches and wooden peg legs means there’s no need for a mirror. Those little, purple wings on their backs though...

After learning there’s nothing in our box-like pouches, all there seems to be to do is sit and try to learn how to move our wings, if only mine weren’t so stiff and weak. That and salivate over the fish painted on the walls.

A large room empty of furniture, decorated like some kid’s windowless bedroom with painted, cartoon fish on explosion-scorched walls. This place is weird...

The only thing that ever comes through the one door is more of us. One sardine was waiting on a metal tray when I first woke up in that other room; maybe it should have been weird, eating it raw, but I dunno, eating it just felt right. The only thing then to do was walk down the corridor to this room, and I was lucky to have eaten first as the ones of us who’ve been here a while bully the sardines off the new ones who carry it in with them.

I’m starving, but I’m not starving enough to be a jerk.

~DOOD~

Being shipped isn’t half as fun as Amazon packages make it seem.

Mostly it was just a lot of marching behind some grumpy, silver-haired guy, queuing at a glowing portal, being pushed into the portal if you wouldn’t go in willingly, and getting shouted at if you talked or didn’t walk quick enough along the way.

The other side of the portal was stone instead of metal, hot instead of cold, noisy instead of silent, but all-round just as dismal.

“Is this Hell?” one of us murmured behind me.

“Nah. We’re penguins so this must be, like, a zoo or something,” another answered.

“...Now I’m concerned about what kind of zoos you’ve been to,” the first replied.

We, whatever we are, were lined up in rows to form a block in some plain stone room, a warning thrown our way by Mr. Grumpy to stay quiet and still. When a less grumpy, black-haired guy strode to the front of the room it felt like we didn’t even need to be told to be silent, this guy just had that kind of poise.

“Welcome, prinnies, to Hades!” this new guy said with a flourish of his cape – Seriously, a real honest-to-goodness cape – before walking up and down in front of us. “I will be your instructor henceforth. You are all here because you led worthless human lives replete with sin before your deaths-”

“I told you this was Hell,” a voice muttered behind me.

“-which you will now atone for through servitude in the Netherworld,” Instructor-guy continued. “If you are well-behaved and diligent you will earn the right to reincarnation with time and much hard labour. Failure to comply will only lengthen your time in servitude, and if necessary result in re-education. Therefore, if you desire to escape your present situation you would do best to follow my training regime to the letter-”

“Why couldn’t it have been a zoo...?”

“-starting with Prinny Rule No. 1 – You shall always include the word ‘dood’ in every line you say!” He’s not serious, ‘Dood’? “I will now ask each of you your names in turn, and you will reply, ‘My name is’ whatever your name is ‘Lord Valvatorez, dood.’ Failure to comply with this, and all subsequent prinny rules you will be taught, will result in the loss of your daily sardine you will receive as nourishment from now on-”

“One sardine a day?!”

“We can’t live on that!”

“Someone kill me, please...”

“Quiet!” Mr. Grumpy barked out fiercely, and the whole block of us shrank towards the floor.

Lord Valvatorez stared at us for a long moment until every beak was zipped up silent.

The flipper of the prinny next to me shot up though, jostling my unsteady peg legs that tottered on the stone floor.

Lord Valvatorez’s gaze flicked over. “Yes?”

“What if I don’t remember my name?” the prinny next to me asked.

“If you cannot remember your name a new one will be provided for you.” He nodded to a cowboy leant against the wall of the room, who tipped his hat to us briefly. “We will now begin,” he said, striding to the end of the front row on the other side of Mr. Forgetful beside me.

The first prinnies began giving their names in the proper manner, receiving no praise or acknowledgement for it, but Lord Valvatorez would walk on and let them silently sigh with relief, their daily sardine intact.

That cowboy was cleaning out one of his guns while he waited. He looked an okay guy, I guess. Better than Mr. Grumpy at least.

Lord Valvatorez came to Mr. Forgetful beside me, they stood up a little straighter as they said, “I don’t remember my name, Lord Valvatorez, dood.”

This earned a nod, Lord Valvatorez turning to the cowboy who stepped forward. “Okay, pardner,” he walked up, stowing his gun and assessing the prinny beside me. Then, shooting a finger-gun as a flourish, “Your name will be... Cold Potato!”

“What?! That’s not a name!” Cold Potato said, before panicking and adding, “dood,” just in time to erase the frown that had formed on Lord Valvatorez’s face.

“It is your name now,” Lord Valvatorez declared, waiting a moment to see if he’d dare be challenged.

Oookay, that plan’s out the window...

“This is too cruel, dood...” was sighed beside me as Lord Valvatorez walked on, finally coming to a stop in front of me.

Those sharp points of red looked down at me expectantly, and all I could say was, “My name is Dood, Lord Valvatorez, dood!”

He blinked, then settled into an amused smile. “I appreciate the enthusiasm but you only need say ‘dood’ once per sentence.”

“No, no, my name is ‘Dood’, dood,” I repeated, beak clicking back together a little awkwardly. Does he really think I’d make something like this up?

Lord Valvatorez blinked, then this time he turned and walked a few steps backwards towards Mr. Grumpy. “Fenrich, is there a protocol for this?” I’d actually managed to make the guy sound concerned.

“Not to my knowledge, Lord Val,” Mr. Grumpy answered him, that disapproving glare stuck on me like I’d stepped in the dude’s meal or something. “Such a name is not an impossibility, but to have it turn up in only your third batch of prinnies is certainly a strange roll of Fate’s dice.”

Lord Valvatorez considered for a moment, then stepped back to stand in front of me. I would’ve bitten on my bottom lip in nerves if I’d had lips, or teeth. “Very well,” he simply nodded, declaring my name no problem and walking on.

“What a weird name...” a voice from further back up the front row muttered.

Lord Valvatorez spun in an instant, picking out the offender with a sharp point. “You there! For failure to follow Prinny Rule No. 1, your sardine for today is hereby denied!”

That prinny wailed while I bobbed on the spot slightly – Lord Valvatorez defended me!

But jeez, gotta start practising, dood.

As the name-giving continued I could feel those glare-daggers digging into the side of my head from the punished prinny; the dood totally blamed me for this.

It’s going to be a long afterlife, dood.


	2. I'm Doing My Little, Blue Best, Dood

A prinny’s training starts with cleaning, the lowest kind of unpaid labour, dood. It’s almost as if Lord Valvatorez has such a big place just so he can make all of us doods spend all day and night cleaning it for him. But we all want our sardines, dood, and I watched the others find out pretty quick we can’t fight the two of them even if all us doods team up; Mr. Grumpy particularly enjoyed demonstrating that to us.

I don’t really mind rag and bucket duty, dood. Easy to zone out and fantasise about sardines, you know. These spindly legs and small flippers make it take forever, dood, but I like to work hard – Quicker it’s done, quicker it’s all over.

I was the first one done of our whole batch, a fact Lord Valvatorez praised me on when I showed him my full bucket of dirt and the dood told me to take it down to the Dimension Gate guide; “she’ll take matters from there.”

“On it, Lord Valvatorez, dood!” I was even used enough to my flippers now to hold the bucket in one and salute with the other.

The other prinnies looked pissed as I skipped by but don’t blame me, dood; I want my sardine for the day.

Hades still confuses the hell out of me, all these corridors and samey rooms. The main room’s pretty easy to find though, and now I was so close I could taste all that slacking off, dood.

Then something slapped into the back of my head, and suddenly the contents of my little bucket-dood were all over the floor again.

The other prinnies were sniggering behind me when I looked round. At least some of the stuff that fell out went into one of the lava pits but, dood, this’ll take ages to clean back up... Picking up the dirty rag that had slapped into me, I scrunched it hard in my flipper, but in the end had to just chuck it into the bucket. Time to start all over, dood.

Just about every other prinny in the batch must have walked past me by the time I was nearly done. I knew my time was up when I saw Lord Valvatorez following what must have been the last dood to finish, raising an eyebrow when he saw me.

Aw shit, dood. Maybe if I scrub real hard and fast-

“I thought you were finished,” he was already stood behind me; speed of a ninja, dood. “Why are you still cleaning?”

“I’m sorry, Lord Valvatorez, dood.” I know no one likes a tattle, dood, but, “The other prinnies tripped me up and made me spill it all before I got to the Dimension Gate.” I was nearly rubbing my little rag-dood to pieces. “I’ll clean it up again as quickly as I can, dood. Please don’t take my sardine away!” Come on little stain-dood, be cool and come off the floor already!

Lord Valvatorez was silent behind me, and I knew he was doing that staring thing which could mean anything’s about to happen, dood. “...You made a promise to clean up this dirt, and have kept that promise even when the unforeseeable actions of others have greatly increased the difficulty of keeping it,” the dood finally said, and heck if I knew what he was on about. “Such behaviour is commendable. Have no fear! You shall receive your sardine today still,” and that’s all I really care about, dood.

“Thank you, Lord Valvatorez, dood!” And little stain-dood finally came off the floor too! “I’m nearly done now, dood.” Grabbing the final bits between both flippers for safety, I put the little trash-doods into my bucket and picked it up again proudly.

Lord Valvatorez was even smiling down at me, dood. “Excellent! I will escort you to your destination this time to prevent any further interferences.”

Personally escorted and everything, dood – Things are looking up!

I got to just stand by while Lord Valvatorez talked to the Dimension Gate guide-dood, “The coordinates for Vacdoom, if you would. This is the final one,” before being gestured to throw my bucket’s contents in.

That done, Lord Valvatorez continued walking with me towards the dining hall so it seemed cool to ask, “Where’s Vacdoom, dood?”

“It’s another netherworld, the equivalent of this place,” the dood gestured at Hades, “for dirt.”

“The dirt has to atone for its sins, dood?”

He looked genuinely amused. “Perhaps, I know not the particulars. But it undergoes its own form of reincarnation there, becoming the space dust all planets and netherworlds are created from.”

I stared down into my empty bucket. “Even my dirt, dood?”

“Precisely!” Lord Valvatorez held up a emphasising finger. “Even the lowliest of positions has its place in keeping the balance of the universe. It’s why I was pleased to accept this position here as a prinny instructor, despite the low status some assign it.”

So the dood wasn’t always a prinny instructor... Makes you wonder what he used to be.

“If only every prinny in this batch had your discipline,” he continued while I was putting my little bucket-dood onto the storage stack with its friends, “we could already begin combat training. But alas, a few more days of cleaning duty are still required to properly prepare the others.”

“No sweat, dood.” More slacking off for me!

Lord Valvatorez nodded. “Come now,” He swept out his cape dramatically, “we shouldn’t keep the sardines waiting!”

Now that’s what I like to hear, dood!

~DOOD~

The other prinnies complain but I still like cleaning duty, dood. It’s the easy life compared to some of the stuff Lord Valvatorez says we’ll be doing once we graduate.

Speaking of the dood, today he assigned me to clean the corridor outside his room. It’s a big stretch but, dood, it’s one of the sweetest jobs because barely any demons dare go that way. And none of the other prinnies clean near there, so the doods can’t mess with me this time.

It took most of the night, but that’s ‘cause I could super slack off while I was doing it without any doods walking by who’d see me. I even took a nap at one point; this really is the life, dood.

Sweeping up the last bits of dried mud into my bucket, I could stand with my flippers on my hips with pride. “Totally clean, dood!” Which meant quitting time- Oh shoot, did I remember to pick up the spare paper after I was done chucking paper airplanes out of the window?

Trotting back down the corridor, dood, I could have had a heart attack when I saw Lord Valvatorez stood at the window I’d been playing by earlier, if I actually had a heart. But weirdly the dood was just leant on the stone sill staring out deep in thought, almost kind of sad-looking. He normally looks so fierce, or at least serious, when he’s instructing us but right now the dood looked so soft and vulnerable.

“What’s wrong, Lord Valvatorez, dood?” Did he find my spare airplanes? I hope he’s not thinking up the best ways to punish me, dood.

He startled, blinking as he turned and then looked down at me. “Ah. It’s no matter to concern yourself with.” He didn’t find my airplanes, dood? Phew! “I will... find a solution...” He turned to stare out the window once again.

“Dood?”

His attention returned to me. “I thought that you had already finished cleaning this part,” he said, though not like he was going to punish me for it, dood.

“I was, uh, double-checking my work, dood,” I pretended, trying to hold my nerve.

Phew, the dood smiled. “Your work ethic continues to be commendable.” Now I feel bad for lying to the dood. “I trust the other prinnies did not hassle you today, Dood?”

“Nope, dood.” So wait, he did give me this stretch deliberately? Wait, more importantly, “How can you tell me apart from the other prinnies, Lord Valvatorez, dood? All the other prinnies can too, or I think they can since they all ignore me. We all look the same though. We even have the same voice, dood; I’m not sure I want to know how that works...”

The dood looked sympathetic and surprised, then put his hand to his chin thoughtfully. “I suppose you probably can’t see it yourself.”

“See what, dood?”

He gestured, “Come,” leading me towards the door to his room, instructing me to leave my little bucket-dood outside.

The dood’s room was massive, and I really hope I never get assigned to cleaning duty here because I could never reach that ceiling; why’s a dood of his pipsqueak size even need such a high ceiling?

“Here,” he called from before a full-length mirror. I walked over, appreciating the dood’s black wood furniture and stepping round the kinda creepy coffin just lying on the floor in the middle of the room.

In the mirror... “I don’t see it, dood.” I just look like a normal prinny, bouncing slightly on my content, little spot.

“Your stitching is abnormal, see?” He pointed, and now it really was super obvious, dood: A V-shaped couple on one side, X-shaped ones in the middle, Z-shaped ones on the other. “Hm.”

“What, dood?”

“Are you able to use your wings?” Lord Valvatorez asked, and I did not like the way he was frowning at them, dood.

“I can flap them, dood,” I fluttered them for him, “but I’ve never worked out how to fly with them like the others.”

“Yes, I believe you may encounter some difficulty with that,” he said, and I could feel him pinch one to pull out. “These are made of non-standard material; they’ve merely been painted purple to disguise it. They did warn me this might happen...”

“That what might happen, dood?” Uh, dood, I do not like the sound of this right now.

Snapping his full attention back to me, “Ah. Well, you see sometimes the factory runs low on prinny hide and has to improvise during the production process.” Wait, that place was a prinny factory, dood? “Although in your case it appears the supply of hide was sufficient and other materials were lacking instead.”

“What does that mean, dood?” I turned around, feeling over the top hem of my stomach to check the factory-doods had sewn it on right.

Lord Valvatorez strode over to a nearby desk, taking up one book from a stack that had a cute, little prinny-dood on the front. He started flicking through, explaining while he did so, “In the case of partial prinselytisation, the resulting ‘unprinny’ in unable to properly repent for its human sins and thus reincarnate when its time comes.” Dood... “It’s a rare occurrence, but not unusual considering the number of souls the prinny factories process.” I’m never going to reincarnate? “Ah, it says here that unprinnies will not explode when thrown. Do you explode, Dood?”

“Yeah, dood,” I could answer rather unenthusiastically. “Mr. Grum- Your steward knocked me over down some stairs the other day and I got my first taste, dood.” The doods in the Infirmary were really weird about fixing me up for some reason too, dood...

“Well, you see then, you probably have nothing to worry about!” Only ‘probably’? The dood seemed to be able to see I still wasn’t super thrilled. “It is the prinny hide that binds your soul; considering your hide is perfectly acceptable, hopefully you have nothing to fear.”

I sure hope so, dood. Sticking my flipper into one of the gaps at the top of my stomach between the stitches, I could feel something like a big dust bunny inside of me – My soul? – and my flipper was coated in some weird, sparkly dirt when it pulled it out. Lord Valvatorez seemed just as weirded out by the whole thing as I was. “No offence, but I hope I can reincarnate one day, dood,” I mentioned, and he gave an approving nod. “Will you reincarnate too one day, Lord Valvatorez, dood?”

“If my time ever comes.” I tried not to squint too obviously, but it’s hard to work out how old the dood is. “I certainly have no plans to any time soon.”

“Really, dood?” He raised an eyebrow to explain myself. “You’re also stuck down here doing a lousy job, eating sardines like a prinny. Maybe it’s just ‘cause I’m still new to all this netherworld stuff but don’t most demons want more than that, dood?”

The dood gave a little chuckle, gaze drifting to his coffin. “I had more than this once, but this life suits me now – I never would have discovered the magical power of sardines if not for it!”

“Oh, same, dood,” I nodded along sagely. “You know, the other prinnies gossip you used to be some big nasty tyrant dood, but you’re actually a really nice dood, Lord Valvatorez.” Yeah, I was sucking up. But sue me, dood.

Well I thought I was, dood. The dood got all awkward, rubbing the side of his neck with a little sigh. “I cannot imagine where they managed to hear of such things in such a short length of time, but I can’t fault them for spreading truth,” he declared, and I could tell when to leave a matter, dood. “Now come, you still have your bucket to empty – Chop-chop!”

“On it, dood!” I gave a salute, which I think healed any damage I’d caused. On the way out I couldn’t help but notice, “Why d’you have both a coffin and a bed, dood?” Just seemed weird, you know, that big old four-poster bed taking up so much room in a bedroom that already had somewhere to sleep.

“Ah-h.” The dood was a different kind of awkward this time. “The bed is for when Fenrich and I...” he coughed politely, “require it.”

‘Require it’? Dooood... “The two of you are bumping uglies, huh, dood?” I couldn’t help bouncing probably a little too enthusiastically.

The dood panicked slightly, getting all flustered with a pale blush across his super pale skin.

“Sorry, dood,” I apologised. “Saying ‘dood’ all the time has made me start phrasing stuff all gauche like that – See? Sounds weird when I use fancy words like ‘gauche’ now, dood.”

“Well, yes, that’s why we make prinnies-” The dood cut himself off, pressing his lips shut over his fangs.

“What, dood?”

“...Nothing,” the dood tried to pretend. “Sinful souls such as yourselves are in no position to object to the rules you must now live by.”

I think I can guess; good luck if you think I’ll fall for it now, dood. “Fair enough. But I wanna hear more about your love life, dood.” Lord Valvatorez looked scandalised again. “Hey, I watched the other prinnies work it out the other day – We don’t have the parts to have sex like this. So you gotta let me live vicariously through your love life, dood.”

The dood made a really funny sound like he’d just choked on his own throat. Was I too gauche, dood? “I am obviously failing severely in my duties as a prinny instructor if you all have the time to be sat around contemplating... _that_!” Dood’s really prudish, isn’t he? “Now, away with you! We have spent more than long enough chin-wagging in here.”

“Okay, dood.” I got the message, this time at least, and walked out to pick up my little bucket-dood. Okay, down to the dimension gate you-

“W-Wait,” Lord Valvatorez said nervously. When I looked back the dood was all awkward again, a gloved hand covering his face and gaze elsewhere, before he ushered me back into his room, shutting the door. “Since the matter has already come up, I... How attractive am I like this?”

“Dood?” He was embarrassed, but he was serious too. “Uh... I’d say you’re pretty cute, dood.” That seemed about right, dood? Compliment them without going too far?

The dood chewed on that in his mind, eventually coming back to ask, “Am I handsome?”

“Uhh... I guess? In a cute sort of way, dood?”

He got all pensive again, and I swear if he asks one more weird thing I need to report this as some sort of hostile work environment, dood. “...I’m not a very impressive demon, am I?” the dood asked this time at least.

And I felt bad for how sad the dood seemed too. “I think you’re impressive, Lord Valvatorez, dood. I always want to follow your orders!”

He smiled, if tinged slightly like the dood knew I was just trying to cheer him up. “Thank you. I... I used to look slightly different, before I lost my power. Since it was in that form Fenrich and I began our... arrangement, I have been attempting to honour it by returning to my old form for our times together. But I fear the strain is becoming too much for me to sustain, and I do not wish to lie to Fenrich with more excuses.” Oh jeez, heavy, dood. “Do you believe it would be wrong to expect him to accept me in this form from now on?” he asked, one fang awkwardly hanging out over his lip.

“I don’t know, dood. How different do you look?”

“Well, like...” Backing up, the dood drew his cape in over him for a moment before throwing it out to reveal a slightly taller and well-built dood. I didn’t even get time to ask how he’d changed his clothes in the process before the dood did it all in reverse, returning to the little, slender dood I knew.

“I see what you mean, dood, you sure were hunkier in that form,” I said while I thought. If this was all just about what Mr. Grumpy would like though, “I think he’d be fine with it, dood.”

“Really?”

“Oh yeah. The other prinnies gossip all the time about how hot he is for you. It’s totally obvious, dood,” I said. “He should be totally down for it. Maybe he’s even into twinks, dood.”

“What is a ‘twink’? I’m unfamiliar with this term,” Lord Valvatorez said, and it was somehow way too weird how serious the dood was.

“Err... I don’t remember, dood. Sometimes I just say weird stuff, must be the human still in me!” I laughed super awkwardly, bouncing on the spot to seem cheerfully honest.

Luckily Lord Valvatorez is a total airhead about this stuff, dood. “Yes, you all are far too human still for this many weeks in, gossiping about rumours and reproduction! I had wanted to test a softer approach with discipline this batch to assess its results,” This is the soft approach, dood?! “but I can see even by now I was entirely wrong! Oh well, all good experiments must be tried once.” Uh-oh, dood... “Even you! Hurry up and complete your cleaning!”

“Yes, Lord Valvatorez, dood!” I scrambled, peg legs clacking on the stone floor.

As I was picking up my little bucket-dood from outside the door though, a gloved hand did come to rest on my... Do I even have shoulders, dood? “Thank you, Dood,” Lord Valvatorez said in his softer, more friendly voice again. “I trust you understand this is solely between the two of us, yes?”

“Of course, dood!” Man, I would not want to get on the wrong side of Mr. Grumpy about this, dood. Even Lord Valvatorez probably couldn’t protect me from that.

He nodded, and though I could feel my eyes shining a bit to be so trusted, I scuttled away as I should – A prinny’s work is never done, dood!


	3. Begin at the Beginning, Dood

Ow, dood.

Lying on my back, I sighed up to the ceiling – Even my sighs sound like ‘dood’s nowadays.

So you know that little pouch-dood we all have around our stomachs? Well, there’s a tiny dimension portal in the bottom of each one that goes to a pocket netherworld full of prinny supplies, that’s how it works, dood. The other prinnies got a little too curious, taking their bombs out way too early before Lord Valvatorez told us doods how to use them, and now I’m in the Infirmary

I’m almost getting used to this place by now, dood. Mr. Grumpy loves teaching us all what it’s like to explode, pretending it’s a part of our training, which always ends up with another trip here once your ears stop ringing.

Do the other prinnies get the weird looks I do whenever they put me into a new hide here? I hear you whispering to each other about me, dood... Why does everyone here treat me like I’m a freak? Well, except Lord Valvatorez; that dood’s all right.

I should get back to work, dood... But it’s so comfy here, and since the nurse went off to chat up the armoury lady-dood there’s no one here to disturb a nap. A little slacking off never hurt anyone, dood-

“Dood?” Lord Valvatorez’s voice called out, “Where are you, Dood?” and getting closer fast – The dood must be telepathic or something.

I hopped up from the bed, hurrying over to meet him as he swept into the Infirmary looking serious and grumpy and all sorts of bad things for me, dood. “H-Here I am, Lord Valvatorez, dood!” I reported with a salute.

“Ah, there you are.” I tried not to sweat too visibly as the dood looked down sternly at me. “Are you finished recovering?”

“Yes, dood! Just finished!” I pretended.

“Good. I need your assistance on a, hm, secret mission, shall we say.” The dood watched me cock my head. “Not here. Come to my chambers.”

“Okay, dood.”

‘Secret mission’? This was cool and all, dood, but why me? What would this dood be trusting someone like me with when he has his pet wolf-hunk who’d lick his boots clean and then some if no one stopped him? Either way, doesn’t this just mean extra work for me whatever it is? Dood...

Lord Valvatorez let me into his bedroom when we arrived, shutting the door behind us. I stood while the dood strode forward, pacing about with a hand to his chin, before acting like he’d just noticed I existed again. You’re the one who invited me here, dood. “I, um... There have been some developments since last we spoke in here,” he began rather inarticulately for him.

But that meant, “Oh, you need help with your love life again, dood?”

The dood didn’t seem to appreciate my enthusiastic bobbing at the prospect, waiting until I calmed it down to explain, “I spoke to Fenrich about the matter of my form, as you advised. And indeed he was wholly understanding and amenable.” Okay, sounding good so far, dood. “But in the course of talking it somehow ended up... Fenrich invited me to court him.”

“‘Court him’?” I had to question, dood.

“Yes. His exact words were-”

“No, I mean who calls it that anymore, dood? Just say ‘date’ like a normal demon, dood,” I told him, before quickly hurrying along into asking, “S-So what do you need my help with, dood?”

Lord Valvatorez coughed really politely into one of his gloved fists, and said, “I... I don’t know how to proceed with romantic intentions towards another.”

“You mean you don’t know how to date someone, dood?” He nodded awkwardly. “Dood... How old are you? Like 20? 25?”

“2143.”

I think I staggered back a little with the shock, regarding the dood super incredulously. Setting aside these demon-doods sure live long lives, “How have you never dated anyone in all that time, dood?!”

“I... It’s not important,” he declared, getting kind of shirty in that way I knew to drop the subject, dood. “I wish to do it now. I have... been interested for a while actually in such forms of relationships,” the dood started getting a little pink in the cheeks. I wonder how long ‘a while’ is for a demon. “I wish to learn the proper procedure so I may exercise it with Fenrich. Are you able to assist me, Dood?”

Oh jeez, this is going to be a lot of work, dood. “Well, yeah. But there’s not really a ‘proper procedure’, dood, it differs a bit from person to person- Or demon to demon, I guess.”

That seemed to tick behind his red eyes for a moment, before the dood brightened suddenly. “Ah! An individual strategy is required in each instance, like battle with an enemy!”

“Uhh...” Close enough, dood. “I’ll give you what help I can, dood, but your relationship with him’s kinda weird, so I don’t really know where to start.”

“Yes, I suppose I must tell you more of the particulars if you are to assist me. I’ll have to leave out the more intimate details, as I don’t have Fenrich’s permission to share them-”

“Aw, I don’t get to hear the juicy bits, dood?” Whoops, really didn’t mean to say that out loud. Since the dood only got flustered instead of angry, I pressed on to pretend it was just a joke, “I was all ready to bust out some sardine popcorn and listen, dood.”

“Sardine popcorn? Is such a thing even possible...?” Seriously, this dood can tangent like no one’s business.

“I don’t know, but if I ever make some you gotta tell me all the juicy bits, dood,” I chuckled.

“Very well! I give you my word!” The dood actually took it seriously. Wow, dood. “For now, however, to give you a brief overview...” The dood took a seat on his closed coffin and gestured for me to sit on the floor in front of him. “Our arrangement began not long after I first made Fenrich’s acquaintance. I had observed physical relationships before in both humans and demons, but after forming a strong bond with him as my comrade was the first time I recognised within myself a desire to partake in one. I suppose it was obvious I had come to feel such a way towards him, allowing him to offer this arrangement to me.”

“Right, dood.” All good so far.

“I have always wondered if Fenrich only ever did so as part of being my steward, however,” he continued less joyfully, exhaling slightly. “But in any case, that is the history of our arrangement, simple as it is. Until now it has always been purely physical. I’ve long been curious to try the other forms an intimate relationship can take,” I’m going to assume the dood means all the hand-holding, kissy-kissy stuff, “but had always thought Fenrich had no interest in such things until his sudden offer. There was another previously I believed might...” The dood trailed off distantly. Who’s this other dood-? Wait, might what, dood? “That is not the matter at hand! I apologise,” Lord Valvatorez came back suddenly. “Fenrich is my comrade, and the perfect demon for me. If I undertake a courtship of him it must be done to the highest quality – He deserves nothing less!”

Now the dood was looking expectantly at me. “Ah. Okay, dood. Um... There aren’t any demon courtship etiquette guides we can start with or anything?”

“My searching found none. From what little research I could achieve, feelings such as mine are rare for a demon.”

“Huh. Hmm...” Well, if he’s saying ‘courtship’ and all, the dood seems like he wants to go all old-fashioned about it. If there aren’t any demon rituals to go by, “Okay, dood. The conventional stuff would be things like taking him out on dates and giving him gifts, right?”

“Exactly that sort of idea, Dood!” Lord Valvatorez sat forward on his coffin edge excitably. “What else?”

“Else? Uhh...” What do people do on Valentine’s Day again, dood? “Sometimes doods send love letters, or poems.”

“Excellent! What else?”

“Um, that’s about all I can think of, dood,” I broke to him with a shrug. “Most courting is just dates and gifts, since you can do all sorts of things with those.”

The dood sat back, and I tried not to sweat too much as he considered. “I see... This is where knowledge of the party to be courted is vital, I understand now. What sort of ‘date’ would you suggest we consider to start with?”

Oh jeez, dood. I don’t want to shoulder the blame if this all messes up; I still haven’t even worked out if I have shoulders, dood. “Often humans go out to do something fun together, dood.”

“Ah, like massacring a group of errant demons!”

“That’s not very fun, dood.” Especially not for the demons getting massacred.

“Fenrich and I find it fun.” Dood, I give up with these two. “Very well, what do humans consider ‘fun’?”

“Uhh...” Dood, everything I remember about the human world is just scraps, go easy on me. “Like going bowling together, or ice-skating, dood? Or visiting something like an aquarium-”

“An aquarium! Yes, the chance to watch and learn about sardines together is the ultimate romantic experience!”

Dood, I regret ever getting my name attached to this disaster waiting to happen. “Does the Netherworld even have aquariums, dood? It seems kinda, y’know, lava-y.”

“That is simply Hades’ environ. There are other netherworlds of all kinds, featuring all the same amusements you have in the human world such as funfairs and aquariums.” Oh, dood, there’s funfairs here? Maybe- “I will prepare for an excursion to an aquarium post haste!” Nope, no luck, dood.

“Uh, okay, Lord Valvatorez, dood. But if Sir Fenrich asks don’t tell him I had any role in planning all this.” Since the dood looked at me with naively curious red eyes, “It’s more romantic if he thinks the idea came from you alone.”

“But that’s not the truth, Dood.”

“Well... The suggestion of an aquarium came from me, dood, but it was your idea to pick it as the place to go. That’s the part that’s important,” I twisted a little bit. I do hate to take advantage of the dood’s innocence, but I’m not ending up back in that Infirmary, dood.

“I see,” Valvatorez ingested, a slender finger on his chin. “I have much to learn still about courtship indeed. I do hope you’ll continue to assist me, Dood?” he asked, rising from his coffin again.

“Uh, sure, dood.” Do I have a choice, dood?

The dood nodded. “Thank you.” I hope I’m going to be rewarded with more than just words for all this at some point, dood. “Well then, time for you to return to work!” he clapped his hands in signal for me to go.

“Aye, aye, dood!” I’m never going to get to have even one nap, am I, dood?

~DOOD~

The next evening, as all us prinnies lined up ready to receive our instruction for the night, Lord Valvatorez strode up onto the little box-dood he uses to make up for his titchy size and threw out his cape wide. “Prinnies! One week from now, provided the behaviour of every single one of you is impeccable every moment from now until then, you will be rewarded with a field trip to an aquarium!” Oh no, dood, he didn’t. “That means if any single one of you commits even the slightest indiscretion or misdeed the whole group will lose out on this golden sardine opportunity!” Looking at Mr. Grumpy, who was frowning like someone had peed in his breakfast kibble, apparently the dood totally did. “So make sure to keep all your fellow prinnies in-line as well as yourself.” The dood had somehow thought it was a good idea to take the lot of us on his romantic ‘date’. Dood, I so, SO, hope he didn’t mention my name in association with this.

All the other prinnies were already freaking out and cheering around me. My relatively cool response by comparison seemed to catch Mr. Grumpy’s eye, so I put on a show of cheering too to fool the dood, hoping the sweatdrop rolling down my back wasn’t visible.

Either way, this is going to be a total disaster, dood.

~DOOD~

Well, I gotta say I really didn’t think the other doods were going to manage it, but every single prinny in the program was a model student all week in the end. They’ll still never compare to me, dood, but they did work their little, blue butts off. We do totally deserve a field trip anyway after all these... weeks? Months? Heck, I can’t even remember how long it’s been since I became a prinny, dood.

Come the fateful afternoon everyone lined up ready at the dimension gate, wanting to push to the front until a warning from Lord Valvatorez scared all the doods into behaving lest they lose this at the last minute.

I was happy to drop to the very back of the line, Mr. Grumpy on this end scowling at us all to get a move-on and hop in the portal already while Lord Valvatorez was waiting for the arrivals on the other side. The dood on this side did not look like the kind of guy about to go on a date with the dood he loves in the slightest.

Ah, Lord Valvatorez, dood, you really do still have so much to learn about courtship...

Hopping through myself, my little peg legs landed on a tiled floor surface among a massive group of bobbing and chattering prinnies in front of Lord Valvatorez, the whole throng of doods almost vibrating with excitement. Looking around, we were in a big, brightly-lit hall like you might find in any human world aquarium, blue waves painted on the walls and plastic fish hanging from the ceiling, dood. Mr. Grumpy had come through the portal finally too, booting me forward slightly unintentionally, I think, with a small grunt as the portal closed behind the dood for now.

At the front of the group Lord Valvatorez nodded, throwing out his arms. “It is time to begin! Have fun receiving education about marine biology for these two hours!”

“All right, dood!” the crowd seemed to cheer as one, all rushing forward in a blue swarm into the various corridors leading from the main hall. I followed too, so as not to look suspicious, dood, but lingered back to pretend to read the directional sign as I eavesdropped on Mr. Grumpy sighing, Lord Valvatorez having come specifically to his side.

“What’s wrong, Fenrich?”

“Far be it from me to question your methods of prinny instruction, my Lord, but are you certain the prinnies will learn the proper lesson from this?”

“I know it is the first time we have tried such positive reinforcement in the training program, but it would be foolish not to experiment and see if it works at least once.”

“As you say, my Lord.” The dood still didn’t exactly sound thrilled about the whole thing.

“If it fails to achieve the desired effects we will never repeat it, of course.” Lord Valvatorez did seem to appreciate the dood’s concerns about the whole thing at least. “Now, would you care to join me in observing and learning more about sardines, Fenrich?” Dood, that’s your pick-up line?

“I highly doubt this mediocre excuse for an aquarium has anything to add to your already far too extensive knowledge about sardines, Lord Val,” Mr. Grumpy quite rightly said. “But I would enjoy accompanying you, if that is what you desire,” he added more warmly, exactly what I was hoping to hear, dood.

I scampered off at that point before they noticed me lingering, taking a corridor at random. Stairs are never going to cease being a pain in this form, are they, dood? You don’t realise how much you miss having knees until you don’t have them anymore, dood.

They ended down in one of those ‘underwater’ tube corridors where all the fish-doods are swimming about on all sides of you. A couple dozen prinnies were already there, climbing all over the barriers that explicitly said ‘Don’t climb’, while others were pulling down their eyelids and waggling their tongues at the sharks and such swimming by, and all of them were scaring off the other demons trying to have a romantic moment or show their kids all the fish. “Hey, come on, doods!” I yelled at the prinnies, but even the few doods who actually noticed me just laughed and ran off to cause more mischief. Come on, don’t ruin this for Lord Valvatorez and Fenrich, doods!

As I ran after them it was like that everywhere, dood: Prinnies jabbing their knives into the ‘petting’ tank and spearing fish to eat, or pissing off the starfish that then flung themselves out onto the prinnies’ face to begin munching as the prinnies ran around screaming. Other prinnies were playing with the staffs’ tails or having pillow fights with the seat cushions – It’s not going to be long until some dood explodes at this rate – And that’s not even to mention the prinnies who had broken into the dolphin food boxes to start scarfing down the fish themself.

After failing myself to rein any of the chaos for fifteen minutes or so I ran off to find Lord Valvatorez and Fenrich, dood. They already seemed to be abreast of the situation, and were having marginally more success ordering the prinnies to behave, but my delivery of all the other bad news they had yet to see seemed to be the final nail, dood.

“This hasn’t worked at all, Fenrich,” Lord Valvatorez accepted with a covered face and a sigh.

“That is not your fault, my Lord,” his steward was quick to reassure in a kindly voice, dood. “It’s all the fault of these rotten prinnies,” he now growled, switching to anger in an instant.

“Nonetheless, as their instructor I must take responsibility for their actions.” Lord Valvatorez drew himself up, always able to bounce back like nodood’s business. “Dood,” the dood actually addressed me, “will you help Fenrich and I to round up the rest of the prinnies? Bring them back to the main hall where we first entered.”

“Aye, aye, dood!”

“You’re trusting that prinny to discipline the others?” Mr. Grumpy scorned me, and right in front of me too, dood.

“Dood is different from the other prinnies,” Lord Valvatorez answered. “They’re the only one I’ve seen behaving in all this time we’ve been here.” Aw, my cheeks are gonna blush, dood.

Mr. Grumpy stared down at me, but the fact he didn’t protest further was his way of accepting me I think, dood.

Before we could make any sort of plan about how to split up a very familiar sound of explosion reverberated along the walls, dood. Fenrich sighed, “Prinny, come with me,” he ordered me as we set off in the direction of the explosion.

I had to run to keep up with the dood’s long legs but I sure was glad of his height when his looming shadow fell over the misbehaving prinnies and the doods turned so scared they looked like they could have wet themselves if we had the anatomy for that. He knew how to give them a clout which didn’t make them explode but definitely gave the doods something to think about, the prelude to him then ordering me to walk the sufficiently punished doods back to the entrance hall.

A couple runs of that, including smacking a few heads myself when they underestimated me as just another prinny who had slacked off in combat training like them, and we’d gotten most of them rounded up to await departure, dood.

On my next run back to find Fenrich I couldn’t help skidding to a halt alongside the glass wall of a massive tank set into the floor below this balcony, the whole thing swarming with a spinning whirlpool of sardines, dood! It was the sardine tank!

I bet Lord Valvatorez didn’t even get to see this, dood... That’s so unfair...

Sighing, I trotted on and bee-lined for the nearest noise epicentre; the last remaining prinnies had escaped into the gift shop and were giving Fenrich no end of trouble hiding under and behind all the merchandise stands the dood knew he couldn’t just rip through.

Sneaking up and into one of the groups he was still yet to find, “This is so much fun, dood!” the prinnies greeted me with gleeful mischief.

It probably was, dood. But my noble eye shed a tear for that sardine tank and for Lord Valvatorez, so jumping, “Hi-yah!” I roundhouse-kicked the nearest display stand, burying them all under a pile of sea angel plushies, dood.

Fenrich arrived at the scene in seconds, the dood thankfully recognising me apart from the rest, as he punched one fist into a palm and towered over the rest. Dood, I’m not even going to record the threat he made, it was just that terrifying.

As he marched the last remaining prinnies out of the gift shop and I followed, something glorious shone out at me, now visible from where it had previously been concealed behind the stuffed sea angels; I had to stand and stare it was so heavenly, dood.

Shaking my head clear eventually and rushing out, “Sir Fenrich, dood! Sir Fenrich!”

“What?” I’d interrupted the dood just about to give an even more sadistic tongue-lashing to the detained prinnies.

Grabbing the dood’s leather trouser leg to pull on, “You gotta come see this, dood!” I started dragging him back into the gift shop.

“I’m not buying you anything just because you did nothing more than your duty by not misbehaving,” he misunderstood.

“No, it’s not for me, dood! Come on!” I dragged even harder, but the dood is big even if he’s slim.

All the other prinny eyes were watching, and that’s why I couldn’t believe it when Fenrich actually started walking in the direction I was pulling. “This better be good, prinny.”

“It is, dood! Promise!” He seemed to recoil slightly at that word, but I quickly rushed ahead and pointed to, “Look! You gotta buy one of these for Lord Valvatorez!”

“Hm?” That got the dood’s attention. “Oh.” It fell a bit to see what we were looking at, dood. “My Lord doesn’t need such juvenile objects; it’d be a waste of money.”

“Maybe he doesn’t ‘need’ it,” I pushed, trying to salvage this date for them both, “but I bet he’d want it, dood. And it’d help cheer him up after this field trip went so badly.”

That actually gave the dood pause. From how he was chewing it over I think he knew I was right, the dood just didn’t want to admit that. “...Fine. Go watch the other prinnies,” he ordered as he stalked off towards the stand, and I gave a little salute to the dood.

Standing stern over the scolded and beaten down lot, I tried not to let my smile show as I heard the sound of a cash register ringing up, followed by the slumber cat on duty asking, “Mew want it gift-wrapped?”

“Uhh... Whatever.” Looks like I’m working with two complete amateurs in this whole ‘courting’ thing, dood.

A meow, and the fierce sound of shredding paper and tape that lasted only two seconds, later, “Here mew go! Have a nice and fishy day!”

It sounded like Mr. Grumpy grabbed it and walked away fast, too embarrassed probably, dood. “Let’s go,” he gruffly grunted at me and all the other prinnies, a longish gift-wrapped package tucked under his arm.

“What’d you get, dood?” one prinny asked.

“Is it edible, dood?” an even stupider dood asked.

“Unless you want to end up in the Infirmary once you’re back on the other side of that portal it’s none of your business,” Mr. Grumpy told them, and that shut the doods up.

Marching them all back to the portal, we’d kept Lord Valvatorez waiting which Fenrich apologised for, but as Lord Val said it was the prinnies’ fault, dood.

The two handled everything getting all the prinnies back and appropriately punished, Lord Valvatorez lecturing them all at length – And I mean ‘length’, dood, we’re talking nearly two hours solid without intermission – before sending the necessary patients off to the Infirmary and the rest to work with their sardine privileges lost for today.

Lord Valvatorez had me stand at the front beside Fenrich rather than in the ranks as he gave that lecture. That was the moment when I think it really started for me, dood, what none of us knew was to come in my little prinny life, but that’s for later, dood.

Once that was all done, and I was ignored enough to keep lingering, “Well, that was a disastrous result,” Lord Valvatorez sighed, calming back from prinny instructor into his private life self again, dood.

“As you said, my Lord, all experiments deserve being tried once,” Fenrich comforted him. “As long as we learn from this, we can see it as new knowledge and therefore strength gained.”

“A-Ah, ‘experiment’, quite right...” Oh, the dood hadn’t forgotten about the date after all. “Yes, we’ve soundly learnt our lesson this time.” His steward nodded forward in almost a bow to him. I think that was what made Lord Valvatorez notice, “I’ve been meaning to ask, what is that under your arm, Fenrich?”

“Hm?” The dood had forgotten it was there himself. “Ah. Well. It’s actually... a gift for you, Lord Valvatorez,” he admitted, taking it in both hands to present.

“A gift? For me?”

“Yes, it was something I saw at the aquarium.” Hopefully I won’t have to tell this dood to leave my name out of this. “It’s only a trifle, a whimsy of mine I thought might cheer you up.” Though, hey, a little recognition might be nice, dood.

“Don’t trivialise a gift in front of the one you are giving it to, Fenrich,” Lord Valvatorez slightly scolded, taking the present.

“Quite right, as always, Lord Val,” Fenrich humbly accepted, watching the other dood start to unwrap. “I simply...”

“You think I won’t like it?” Lord Valvatorez guessed. These two really do have perfect chemistry, dood. “Let me see then...” The last of the wrapping paper finally came off – Lord Valvatorez was the type to actually unstick each bit of tape and remove the paper without a single tear, dood – and in his hands, “This...”

“W-We can take it back,” Fenrich actually started to sweat slightly, tail tucking a little between the dood’s legs.

“No!” Lord Valvatorez sharply hugged the 3ft-long stuffed sardine plushie to himself. “This glorious creation...” The dood let it back from himself just far enough to inspect the tag. “‘[Sweet Sardreams Pillow](https://store.nisamerica.com/disgaea/sweet-sardreams-plushie)’, eh? Well, the portmanteau is a little forced, and it certainly doesn’t provide the nutritional benefits of an actual sardine, but what a fine handiwork this is! I adore it, Fenrich,” and the dood hugged it back to him.

“I thought you would, Lord Val,” Fenrich grinned, tail wagging. You total liar, dood!

“Though if it makes me dream of sardines all sleep long I shall always be ravenous when I awake...”

“Then I shall always be waiting ready with a plate of sardines for you, my Lord,” Fenrich pledged.

Lord Valvatorez was too busy staring at his plushie though, dood, playing with one of its little flippers. “...I’ve never had a stuffed toy before, Fenrich,” the dood murmured in such a sweet, little voice. “Did you know, humans once experimented to prove a baby monkey will pick a soft and comfortable stuffed ‘mother’ that provides no milk over a hard, metal one that provides milk? I always wondered why before, but this sardine...”

“Don’t forget, I am always here for you as well, Lord Val,” Fenrich said, the dood moving in so close Lord Valvatorez could have leant right against him or any other kind of embrace he wanted. Dood, these two are so cute! “There is no need for you to ever feel so lonely now.” The dood curled the sides of his fingers under Lord Valvatorez’s chin real gently. Is it kiss time, dood?!

“Thank you, Fenrich.” Lord Valvatorez sounded distant but touched, dood. Then after a moment he turned back anew to the little plushie-dood in his hands, pulling himself away from the grip. “It is customary to give stuffed toys a name, correct?”

“If you wish, my Lord.” Fenrich was just as disappointed as I was about not getting any kissing action, dood.

“Hmm...” The dood was taking it really seriously. “‘Iwashie’? Is that the right sort of idea?”

“If it’s what you wish,” Fenrich answered, back to mildly exasperated.

Aw, I guess the moment’s over. “I think that’s a good name, dood!” I encouraged as I walked up; I’ll always cheer for Lord Valvatorez even if no one else will, dood. “I’m sorry you didn’t get to see the real sardines there, dood. They were super cool.”

Fenrich tutted sharply, a general sort of response to the dood remembering I existed. “I should have known you were slacking off despite my Lord’s instructions.”

I staggered back slightly. “No, dood! I just happened to see them when I was chasing the other prinnies around, honest!”

“Ah, Dood,” Lord Valvatorez thankfully intervened. “Thank you for assisting Fenrich and I today. Since you’re the only prinny who hasn’t lost their sardine privileges today, come eat with us before you attend to your work-”

“My Lord!”

“I want to hear all about the sardines there,” the dood insisted, ignoring Mr. Grumpy’s little growl.

“Well, like I said I didn’t much time to look at ‘em, but sure, dood.”

With one of those big flourishes of his cape, Lord Valvatorez started leading our way towards the dining hall. Since Mr. Grumpy hadn’t moved yet, glaring down at me, I also stayed there for the moment to frown back at the dood.

“Look,” I started with him, “I’m not gonna tell him the plushie was my idea, or get in your way, dood. Not unless you make me.”

“‘Get in my way’? I’d like to know how you possibly think you could even manage that if you wanted to,” the dood scorned, sounding almost mockingly amused.

My beak can’t exactly smile like a mouth can but I think it got across the message, “Lord Valvatorez likes me, dood. He even trusts me. Doubt what you like, dood, but I’ve got his ear too even if just a little,” with enough of a friendly threat.

I didn’t actually expect the dood to look so serious, like he actually believed me – Guess the dood’s more insecure than I thought.

“I’m not gonna cause any trouble for you two, don’t worry, dood,” I wanted to reassure him. “You and I both want the same thing, even if you don’t realise it.”

“If you mean Lord Valvatorez-”

“Not quite, dood,” I answered, since his fist was clenching up.

“What are you two dawdling for? I hope you don’t intend to keep the sardines waiting!” Lord Valvatorez called to us, having noticed we were lingering behind. And fair enough, this warning had gone on longer than I intended, dood.

I could tell Fenrich hated even to walk with me as we both rushed to catch up. But the dood did so he could mutter, “What’s your game, prinny?” before we were in Lord Valvatorez’s hearing range again.

“No game, dood. I just want to help you two.”

Again, I was surprised by how much the dood actually appeared to believe me. Not fully, but a bit at least. “...Don’t get above your station,” was Fenrich’s final response. “Lord Valvatorez has far greater concerns and goals than the like that involve someone like you.”

I could have laughed – Dood, you have no idea.


	4. The Best Laid Plans (They’re Like Eggs, Dood)

You gotta hand it to Lord Valvatorez, dood – When the dood decides to do something he really does do it all the way.

It wasn’t a week later I was pulled into the dood’s bedroom again to be sat on his closed coffin as he took up a seat at his desk. “Now, how does one go about writing a love letter, Dood?”

“Oh, you’re doing that next, dood?”

“Yes, I’ve been unable to think of a suitable gift for Fenrich as of yet. And given my lack of experience composing poetry I considered a love letter would be a better place to start in the meanwhile,” the dood explained. “After all, I regularly send letters to the Netherworld newspaper,” Yeah, I can see the dood being one of those cranks, “and this can hardly be such a different matter – They’re both letters, after all.”

Oh boy, dood. “While that’s, uh, true, Lord Valvatorez, dood,” I rubbed the tip of my flipper against the side of my head, trying to think how I could get through this conversation unexploded, “it’s a little different.” The dood looked so blank already. “Like, you shouldn’t be as formal with this for a start, dood.”

“Not as formal?”

“Well, you two already know each other, dood,” I explained. “Just address him like you do normally.”

“Right,” the dood nodded. “And what do I say?”

Why me, dood? “Uh, well, humans tend to write stuff like how you couldn’t live without him, that he’s all you think of all day long, your heart’s forever his and so on, dood.”

“But those things aren’t true.” Here we go, dood. “I lived perfectly capably before making Fenrich’s acquaintance and could do so again if necessary. I spend the vast majority of my time thinking about things other than him such as my work and the upkeep of Hades. And my heart isn’t his – I need it to be mine and stay in my own chest to run my circulatory system.”

I kinda wanted to get into how exactly vampire circulatory systems work, dood, but let’s not be here all week. “It’s exaggeration, dood; it’s romantic.”

“I don’t understand how using hyperbole to lie to one’s paramour is in any way ‘romantic’ – Humans have such ridiculous notions of how to form a strong bond between beings.”

“If you don’t want to do that, dood, other people fill ‘em with compliments instead. You know, what his most attractive features are, et cetera.”

Lord Valvatorez at least considered this suggestion for a long moment, dood. “And what does this achieve?”

You know, good question, dood. “I guess it’s ‘cause flattery feels nice, dood?” I shrugged. “Everyone likes to have nice things said about them.”

“Flattery?” The dood gave a mocking little chuckle. “Once again I see humans rely on nothing more than sentimental manipulation to establish their life-long mating bonds.” I’m not even gonna start with him, dood. “It would be an insult to Fenrich to over-supply him with inane and unmerited compliments; I already give him the praise he deserves when he earns it, as one should.”

All I could do was shrug and sigh, dood. “This is what most love letters are, dood, telling the person why you’ve picked them over everyone else, over-zealous promises and proclamations, flowery language and poetic imagery.”

“Utter piffle,” he scorned.

“You don’t have to write a letter if you don’t want, dood,” I tried hopefully.

No such luck though, dood, as Lord Valvatorez had his thinking face on and probably hadn’t even heard me. “Let us get back to the basics here – Why do humans send these love letters, lie-packed tripe that they are, rather than simply saying these things to their lover’s face?”

“I guess it’s ‘cause some things are difficult to say to a dood’s face?” I pulled out of the air as I went along. “Often it’s the stuff that’s most important to say that’s the hardest, dood. There’s never really a good time to talk about it in daily life.”

“Ah, now we’re getting somewhere!” The dood pulled over some paper and took up a pen.

“So, I guess, is there any important stuff you’ve got to say to Sir Fenrich that you haven’t, dood?” I’m gonna run with this while it seems safe.

Lord Valvatorez hummed thoughtfully, pen poised super elegantly in the dood’s gloved hand. “There’s all manner of small things the moment passes on before I get to say, but things that are important...?”

“Any big things it’d be hard to say all of in person ‘cause the dood would interrupt? Or really embarrassing or complicated things? This is your chance for stuff like that, dood.”

“I believe I’ve said most of what I want to say to Fenrich as there’s no reason to hold back with one’s comrades...” Yeah, the dood’s not the type to hold back, I can tell you. “...Thank you for your assistance, Dood. I’ll give this matter more thought and draft my ideas.”

“Oh, you mean I’m free to go, dood?” This feels almost too easy. Where’s the catch, dood?

“Yes, go on and return to your work now.” The dood gestured with his hand for me to leave. “I apologise for continuing to keep you from atonement by asking for help with this, by the way, Dood.”

“Hey, no problem, dood. This is much more interesting work than cleaning,” I could honestly say.

Lord Valvatorez paused, looking up thoughtfully. “I suppose this is also a form of work, yes.”

“I gotta say, I’d much rather earn my atonement this way, dood,” I admitted as I hopped up from the dood’s coffin. Feeling those red eyes on me though, “I-I mean ‘cause I get to pay you back for instructing me, Lord Valvatorez, dood! The work feels much more worthwhile seeing the two of you happy!”

“You don’t have to pay me back for just doing my job,” the dood fondly scolded, then clicked his tongue. “Honestly, this is just like that whole thing with Fenrich...”

The dood didn’t expand on that, scribbling down ideas instead, so I figured I ought to scoot my little butt out of there after another moment. Shame that I did, since I thought a few minutes too late I should’ve offered to be the dood’s proofreader so I could get to read all the juicy secrets going in that letter. But oh well, dood.

~DOOD~

Disaster, dood!

Lord Valvatorez nearly always gives me cleaning duty for the corridor outside his and Fenrich’s rooms, but I had to be down the wrong end of all times when it happened, dood.

Obnoxious and slightly creepy prinny-laughter echoing down the corridor from Fenrich’s room was too clear a sign something was wrong. By the time I sprint-waddled there though Mr. Grumpy himself had already beaten me to it, stood over a small group of prinnies beside the room’s sole desk. In the dood’s hand was paper, a few sheets of roughly letter-size, he was holding up demonstrably as he scolded the prinnies.

“I suppose you thought this would be funny, huh?” Fenrich was already growling at the doods.

“No, we didn’t-!”

“And I suppose you thought you’d get away with it too?”

“We didn’t even-!”

I knew that grunted growl and pulled aside just in time as the first prinny came flying out into the corridor to explode against the wall – Damn it, dood, I just finished cleaning the scorch marks off that spot! – The rest soon followed, leaving scattered, deflated hides on the corridor floor as the ringing echoes of explosions faded away down the walls.

I peeked in just in time to see Fenrich crumpling up the sheets – Oh no, Dood! – before tossing the ball of them out his window.

My peg legs set off running, leaping over one prinny carcass who deserved this too much to get any help right now, dood. I skidded and panicked my way through Hades’ lower floors, squeezing through grilled windows and ducking out of a side door into the cold darkness of the barren ground outside. Luckily both Lord Valvatorez and Fenrich’s windows face out over the outside of Hades rather than over its internals and all those lava pits, dood. Picking out their balconies high above, I ran on over the scorched and dead dirt into that lifeless forest of tree corpses that’s roughly under their windows.

Dood, what was I even thinking? The letter could be anywhere here! And it had to go and be slightly windy today too of all things, dood.

I’m going to get in so much trouble for this, dood. I’m out without permission and skipping on my assigned cleaning duties, let alone how I’m going to explain it when I do get back. Even if I find the letter, dood, I can’t explain it to Fenrich without giving Lord Valvatorez’s game away, and even if Lord Valvatorez would understand he’d still punish me for breaking the other rules.

Dood, this is so unfair!

I really should’ve given up and hoped I could sneak back in before I got noticed, but I just couldn’t leave that little letter-dood Lord Valvatorez must have put so much heart and effort into to die alone and unread out here. That’s why I kept scouring the bushes, the tree branches, in every dip and hollow – Everywhere, dood.

It must have been nearly an hour before some movement caught my eye, what looked like a tree root moving that freaked the hell outta me, dood.

After a few more steps I realised it was a moving tree though, and then after a few more that it was one of those wood golems Lord Valvatorez had shown us during combat lectures. Oh jeez, dood.

And of all things it had to be carrying a crumpled ball of letters between two of its fingers. Really, oh jeez, dood.

“H-Hey, dood!” I tried to sidle over, raising a friendly flipper. “‘sup?”

It looked down blankly at me, and I mean ‘down’, dood – The thing had to be, like, ten foot tall.

“Uh, can I have that, dood?” I pointed at the ball of paper. “It belongs to a friend of mine, and it’s really little more than trash to anyone else, so-”

“It belongs to the woods!”

I staggered back a little from the force of the roar alone, dood. “A-Actually it belongs to my friend, so if you could just give it back-”

“This was taken from us! It has now been returned!”

Taken from...?

Oh jeez, it’s made of paper, dood. That could have been, like, part of this dood’s brother Lord Valvatorez wrote his letter on. “I-I don’t wanna have to fight you, dood,” I tried to warn, backing up a couple of steps for, um, strategy.

“I want to fight you!”

Ahh, what the hell, dood?!

I leapt back as the dood smashed a freaking crater in the ground with a single punch – Who’s even gonna come out here and find me if I get a crater punched in me? – and pulled some of my knives out ready to fight. I’m totally going to get my ass kicked, dood.

‘Strategically retreating’, I ran for some slightly higher ground hearing the dood lumbering – Hehe, _lumber_ -ing – after me all the way. Sliding under a fallen tree’s trunk, I spared a moment to catch my breath only to hear a most almighty creaking, dood, as the golem just picked the massive, fallen tree up in one hand. I got behind another tree just in time for it to take the blow with a cracking of its bark, the whole ground shaking like a quake, dood.

I’m not proud I slipped over and tumbled down into a hollow under the tree’s roots, dood, but the ground _was_ kind of loose. Picking myself up, a gigantic slam heralded the wood golem leaping down after me. While I was still busy freaking the hell out, one of the little bomb-doods from my pouch rolled out and lit itself on the ground between us.

The fact I ran towards the wood golem confused the dood enough I got behind unscathed and actually managed to push the dood towards the bomb, shielding myself for the explosion and even damaging it in the process – Score one for me, dood!

Getting hit really pissed the dood off though, enough that I got flung away simply by a flailing arm.

And it was luck that I did, dood – That tree that’d taken the blow before and had its earth loosened began to fall with a tearing creak of roots pulling loose from soil, toppling right onto the wood golem’s head from behind; I guess that’s what they call environmental damage, dood.

Seizing my chance, I laid into the dood with my knives briefly, long enough to get a chance to snatch back the letter and peg-leg it for good this time.

That dood was not having it though, wrenching itself up from the dirt to come bounding after me on its feet and knuckles like a gorilla. I might be pretty fast, if I do say so, dood, but I can’t compete with legs that size!

Sure enough I was soon tripped by the force of the dood’s movements shaking the ground alone, sending me sprawling forward on the dirt. All I could do was cover my head with my flippers and hope at this point, dood.

Was this it for me, dood?

Was this how I end my pathetic life as a prinny, with an untimely and noble demise?

Of course not, dood, or I wouldn’t still be here to tell this story.

Lord Valvatorez came flying out of nowhere and hacked the dood to kindling before I got creamed. All over and done with in twenty seconds, dood.

“A-Ahh, jeez, dood! I almost had ‘em!” I laughed and joked pathetically as I sat up, rubbing the back of my head.

Lord Valvatorez simply glared backwards over one shoulder at me, sword still in hand. “I presume you know how many prinny rules you’ve broken currently?”

Oh boy, dood. I tried to count but it’s hard with no fingers. “Number 5, failing to complete my assigned duties, dood... Number 23, leaving without my master’s permission, dood...”

“Number 61, starting a fight without your master’s permission,” he continued, stowing his sword heck knows where. “Number 596, enjoying nature without your master’s permission-”

“Dood, I was not enjoying that ‘nature’!” I yelled, staggering where I sat. “That dood nearly killed me!”

“I’m surprised it didn’t, actually,” he admitted, a considering hand to his chin. “A prinny-in-training like you shouldn’t have stood a chance against one of the demons out here.”

“Eh,” I said, standing back up and brushing the dirt from my hide, “it was mostly luck, dood,” it seemed honest to admit with a shrug. “I probably only took off, like, half the dood’s health at most.”

“Still...” Lord Valvatorez actually seemed impressed; maybe I can milk this to get a lighter punishment, dood. “But in any case!” Uh-oh, dood. “There can be no excuse for this many violations of the prinny rules! I’m disappointed in you, Dood; up to this point I considered you to be my finest student.”

Dood, that... really hurt to hear. “I know, dood,” I sighed, “and I’m really sorry. But I wanted to save...” Oh, dood.

The crumpled letter was now completely squashed and soaked with mud from the dirt we’d both fallen in during the fight; I tried gently opening it, but it was a lost cause, dood. “What’s that?” Lord Valvatorez asked.

“It was the letter your wrote to Sir Fenrich, dood.” The thing was coming apart in my flippers, beautiful cursive words smeared with dirt. “He assigned some of the prinnies to clean his room during cleaning duty today, and when he found the doods laughing at this assumed it was a prank of theirs. I don’t think he even looked at it before throwing it out of his window.”

I watched the dood look up, assessing Fenrich’s window above the woods. Lord Valvatorez then frowned, eyes closed and arms folded, dood. I wasn’t sure what to do with the ruined letter, but I didn’t have the heart to drop it on the ground. “I... see...” The dood actually sounded pretty dejected, far from the usual optimism I’ve seen him take almost everything in stride with. “I suppose there’s nothing that can be helped now...”

I offered the remnants of the letter up to the dood. He thought about taking it, but then his hand flinched back, falling down to his side. Fair enough, I wouldn’t wanna get dirt all over those nice, white gloves either, dood. “Thank you for trying, Dood,” Lord Valvatorez said softly. “I will still have to punish you for breaking the prinny rules however,” he continued in the same tone.

“That’s fair, dood.” I put his ruined letter away in my pouch, to deal with later or keep for memory’s sake. “Go ahead, Lord Valvatorez, dood.”

He considered for a moment, eventually throwing out his cape. “You will not receive the day’s sardine. You have already missed sardine time today as of five minutes ago, so as your transgressions took place before sardine time your punishment has therefore already been appropriately received.”

“...Dood, that’s it?” The axe had fallen so softly? “I still get my sardine tomorrow?”

“Provided you commit no further transgressions,” the dood nodded.

Dood... “Thank you, Lord Valvatorez, dood!” I tried not to go too overboard, but I think the little tears welling in my eyes kind of gave it away.

Swishing his cape around him, “Come,” he beckoned as he began the trek back in.

The dood dispatched the other small-fry that tried to bother us along the way with super ease, just a couple sword swings with his power behind them. I caught him glancing back at me after those skirmishes for some reason, dood, but he said nothing so I shrugged and followed; maybe I was just embarrassing him with my starry-eyed admiration or something.

The central prison of Hades is always bustling inside but there’s the quieter ways in and out we took. I was just glad it let me avoid the attention of any other prinnies who’d make fun, or Mr. Grumpy who’d have an almighty fit about me having Lord Valvatorez’s attention, dood. As it was, we barely saw anyone on the way back up through the passages he knew.

Escorted back to the prinny training areas I was familiar with, “Thanks, Lord Valvatorez, dood,” I bowed to him. He simply gave one of those nods that meant it was nothing to him. “I’ll go finish my cleaning duty now, dood.”

The dood simply nodded again, turning to walk away.

There was a respect in it though, dood, that we didn’t have to make a big deal of anything or say more than that to each other.

That was another piece of what was to come, dood.

~DOOD~

A few days of perfect behaviour and I was back on Lord Valvatorez’s good side, dood, not that he’d done more than just cast extra glances my way now and then anyway.

I don’t know if the dood wrote out the letter again, if those words ever got there successfully or not. Doesn’t seem like my place to ask, dood.

The one thing I did know is that the whole incident certainly didn’t discourage Lord Valvatorez, the dood pulling me aside into his room again only a week later to exclaim, “I’ve finally worked out what the perfect gift for Fenrich is!” with a double-handed flourish of his cape.

“Oh. Cool, dood,” I tried to be supportive and all, you know like you do, dood, but, “Why am I here, dood?”

Dropping his cape back down to be more serious, “I need your assistance stealing it.”

“You’re gonna steal his gift, dood?” I had to check, because seriously this dood’s idea of romance...

“Naturally,” he nodded. “It wouldn’t be romantic if I had someone else steal it for me.”

Dood, not the problem! “So, uh, what do I have to do to help, dood?” is the only important thing anyway.

“I only need your assistance navigating the modern human world I’m not as familiar with, then keeping watch; I’ve already identified the location and procured schematics.”

‘Schematics’? What are we heisting, dood, a giant diamond? “Okay, dood.” That doesn’t sound too dangerous for me at least, and I gotta say I’m curious to see what this perfect gift is. “When are we going, dood?”

“Tomorrow morning. Meet me down at the Dimension Gate around 6am. We should hopefully be back shortly after bedtime.”

Bedtime? Aw hell, dood – I gotta miss sleep for this? “Aye aye, dood,” I had to sigh though, since this is Lord Valvatorez.

The dood simply nodded like he took my help for granted by now, dismissing me for tonight.

I don’t mean that like he doesn’t appreciate me or anything, dood, instead that Lord Valvatorez seemed to trust me now, the same way he never has to check something twice with Fenrich. From the way I always aided him, I think it went both ways by that point though, dood.

He was still my instructor then, but he wasn’t just my instructor anymore.

~DOOD~

That blue light of the gate gave way to a light-polluted city, pre-dawn sky above, the dark silhouettes of buildings mixed in with street-lit rows of sleeping office blocks and curtain-drawn apartment complexes a steady flow of cars rumbled along the roads between. Beneath my peg legs was mown grass still blanketed in loose, uncollected grass clippings and leaves from the trees shading this little back area nestled amongst the bustle. “My word, the air’s grown foul in the time I’ve been away. Ugh, this place is a mess,” I could hear Lord Valvatorez complaining, having stepped through behind me, dood.

Under the particularly strong flood of lights across the park, past high chain-link fences and benches, a small bunch of kids were playing basketball even this early in the dark morning, shoes squeaking on the tarmac and laughing even as the doods missed most of their shots. From here, I couldn’t even tell which language they were speaking in.

“You’re not human anymore.”

“I know, dood,” I answered without looking away from the sporty kids playing, the sociable ones sat watching and chatting, the loners on their phones, the depressed adults rolling by in their cars, the couple of old-timers shooting dark looks at the unsupervised kids. “Is it normal not to remember your human life, Lord Valvatorez, dood?” I finally dared to ask. “I’ve heard the other prinnies talk about theirs sometimes but I don’t remember anything except my name...” What kind of human was I? What was my life like?

I felt the dood walk up behind me in the silent grass, watching too. “A being who reincarnates to a demon or angel will retain some of the spirit of its current life their soul is clothed in, the amount depending on the strength of said spirit. Those destined to become prinnies receive a different ‘cleaning’ that enables them to remember the sins they are atoning for but strips away most of their human personality, except in the case of exceptionally strong spirits. Any being reincarnating to human life has their soul purified and all remnants of their past spirit removed, including for prinnies when they complete their atonement. It is strange that you should remember nothing of your human life except your name therefore, yes.”

“Huh, dood...” What does that mean? That I wasn’t ‘cleaned’ properly? Or wasn’t destined to be a prinny? Maybe I was so weak-spirited it all slipped away? But why would I still have this name of all the pieces I could have held onto, dood?

“If you want to return to human life you should work hard and behave, and your time will come,” he said with a swoosh of his cape that declared the matter over.

Pulling my gaze away from the basketball game, I jogged after the dood to wherever we were even going to heist this thing. “Do all prinnies become human after they reincarnate, dood?”

“All those who go through a proper reincarnation under the Red Moon, yes.” I’m guessing he means compared to those doods in Hades who somehow seem to reset themselves now and then.

“...Cool, dood.” I’m guessing that would involve being ‘cleaned’ again, forgetting all this like the Netherworld and my prinny training and... and Lord Valvatorez, dood. Heck, I even think I’d be sad about forgetting Mr. Grumpy.

Speaking of, dood, we hadn’t landed far at all from where Lord Valvatorez declared, “Here we are!” with a gesture towards a big, old building in front of us. Grand steps, nice grass banks all round it, ample carpark-

“A museum, dood?” That was the only word on the sign out in front I could make out at this time of pre-dawn. Are we actually heisting a big diamond after all, dood?

“That’s right.” Lord Valvatorez seemed hesitant to approach the place just yet, crouched under trees across the street as we currently were. “Now tell me, do these sorts of places have guards in the current era?”

“There’s probably a night watchman or two, dood.” He looked blank about the concept. “You know, some old guy with a torch who walks around it every hour or two between falling asleep in a chair. Nothing you couldn’t handle, dood.”

“Right.” And the dood was already stepping out with just that.

“Wait, dood!” He came back to crouch again. “There’s gonna be security systems, dood.”

“Security systems?” the dood seemed to have some idea of the term but not any specifics.

“Yeah, like surveillance cameras and laser beams, dood.”

“Lasers?” he said with complete scorn. “I can handle getting hit by a couple of puny lasers.”

“Not that kind of laser, dood.” When’s the last time this dood visited Earth? “They don’t hurt you. Instead if you walk through them it alerts everyone there’s an intruder. And they’re often invisible too, dood.”

“Hm, not too shabby... Humans have gotten pretty good at this security malarkey,” the dood nodded with some respect. “Well, I guess I’ll just have to wing it.”

That’s your plan?! Then why did you ask me for help, dood?! “What should I do while you’re inside, dood?”

“Stand guard outside, like I said,” he repeated as if scolding me for forgetting.

The dood was already setting off so I had no chance to ask what the hell he expected me to do standing guard outside – From what? Other intruders looking to break in? The police if he trips an alarm- Oh jeez, I’m not here to be the scapegoat, am I, dood?

I hurried after Lord Valvatorez anyway, watching him assessing the locked front doors before swooshing out his cape into wings to head for the building’s roof instead; the dood’s going to land himself on one of those cryptid-hunting TV shows at this rate, I swear.

Pacing up and down like the lost idiot I was in front of the museum doors for a minute, it then seemed smarter to simply stand still and watch the empty street out front. All quiet, dood, best way for it.

Aside from occasional glances back over my shoulder when I thought I heard sounds from inside, nothing broke up the torturous monotony of city silence for the next twenty minutes, dood. Not until-

“Penguin!”

I froze as still as possible as a kid running way ahead of his parent ran up to me on the museum steps, leaning so right in close I could smell the strawberry milkshake on his breath – Brush your teeth, dood!

“What’s that, honey?” the kid’s mother finally caught up, making no moves to discipline this kid and get him away from me though.

“It’s a penguin! It’s so cute!”

“It’s probably a donation box for the museum or something.” I mean, I guess with my little box-pouch and all that’s not a bad assumption, dood. “Do you want to take a picture with it?” Oh hell no, dood!

I really hoped the two of them couldn’t see the sweatdrop that felt like it was rolling down the side of my face as the kid ran round the back of me, folding his arms to lean all his weight on the top of my head, dood. The mother came right up in front with her phone out, making useless pinching motions that didn’t seem to be zooming it properly at all – Come on, lady! It’s not exactly hard, dood!

Though I wouldn’t have ever hoped for it at the start of tonight, I could not have been gladder Lord Valvatorez tripped the alarms inside the museum at that moment, dood.

Both the kid and mother startled, turning towards the sound but not making any moves to get away from me, dood, then less than a minute later the front doors of the museum blew open with magic and Lord Valvatorez came running out. “I think it’s time to be leaving, Dood!” he exclaimed in actually quite a panic.

“I think so too, dood!” I had to agree, my speech thankfully startling the two humans away from me for long enough I could sprint for it after Lord Valvatorez, dood.

Leaping down the steps, we bailed across the pavement and into the street without looking both ways – You’d expect Lord Valvatorez to be a stickler for stuff like that even at a time like this – causing him to have to throw up a defensive barrier at an oncoming car, one that acted like a ramp and sent it flying over us – It’s like an action movie, dood!

It landed safely, cost of replacing the suspension aside, as we ran on for the other side and back into the grassy area we’d first emerged in.

Leaping into the dimension gate point we’d left on the ground, it was finally time to breathe a sigh of relief as we arrived safely back home, dood.

“Holy crap, dood...” I had to admit.

“That didn’t _quite_ go as planned,” the dood completely understated.

“Did you steal it, dood?” Please say we don’t have to do all that again, dood...

“Oh yes.” He held up something from a pocket that just looked like a rock to me, dood, and not like a fancy diamond rock, just a rock-rock. “It was when I smashed the glass case to get it out that the alarm went off.”

“No shit, dood!” Whatever, as long as we’ve got it, dood.

The Dimension Gate guide was giving us pretty weird looks, so I had no problem following Lord Valvatorez away wherever he was going now. I couldn’t help casting a glance back though at the portal, dood, watching her reprogram it for somewhere else already.

“Does it bother you,” Lord Valvatorez spoke up, “not having any memories of your human life?”

“Mmm, not exactly, dood.” We seemed to be heading down the corridors towards the bedrooms thankfully. “I just wonder, that’s all.”

The dood was walking ahead of me, not looking back. “I know what you mean. I don’t have any real memories of my own life before I met Fenrich.”

“Really, dood?”

“Well, I remember interesting things I saw others doing, and the pitifully small number of worthy adversaries I ever fought. It does make you wonder though, how I can have lived for 2,000 years with so few memories... But I just assume it’s because I didn’t have much worth remembering before Fenrich came along and I gained my first ever comrade.” That’s sad, dood. “I hope your case isn’t for a similar reason.”

“I... I don’t know, dood.” That’s all I could say.

Lord Valvatorez had been walking back to his own room, and the look he gave me when he arrived at his door told me the dood had assumed I would have gone back to the prinny sleeping quarters. The fact I was here though, “I suppose you may as well sleep in my room today, Dood; there’s no reason for you to go wake all the other prinnies or get caught walking alone at this time of day.”

“All right! Thank you, dood!” Sweet! Do I get to sleep on the bed? Or in the coffin? Or-

“That corner isn’t used for anything,” he pointed out the one to the right of his windows, one that was at least dusted but it was still a stone-walled and stone-floored corner, dood. Well, it’s not like the prinny sleeping quarters are any better.

“Okay, dood.” Maybe I can snatch a cushion from the chair once he shuts his coffin lid. I better get out of here before Mr. Grumpy comes in the morning at the very least, dood. “Sleep well, Lord Valvatorez, dood!”

The politeness, or something about it, amused him. “Sleep well, Dood.” He climbed into his coffin alone, pulling shut the lid as I settled in my corner.

He still hadn’t let go of whatever he had stolen tonight, sleeping with it now. What is it that he’s going to gift to Fenrich, dood?

~DOOD~

“What are you doing in here?”

I opened my eyes – Well, we don’t have eyelids so I guess we just scrunch our eyes shut when we sleep, dood? – to black leather trousers, ones I knew to be scared of even before following them up to, “A-Ah, Sir Fenrich, dood!” that pretty sweet set of abs and shadowed, scowling face.

“You have three seconds to explain your presence here, and then I’m throwing you out of that window.”

“Wait, ‘and’?! Not ‘or’, dood?!

The creaking of a coffin lid was my saviour, dood, Lord Valvatorez sitting up with a stretch that looked so like the bendy way cats do it when they get up, dood. That whole impression was only helped by the stuffed sardine plushie in one gloved hand. “Oh my. Good evening. What’s going on, Fenrich?”

“This prinny has snuck into your bedroom while you were asleep, my Lord,” Mr. Grumpy explained, all sweetness and formality now, dood. “I was attempting to find out what it had stolen or damaged before administering punishment.” Dood, I resent those assumptions.

Lord Valvatorez glanced over with early evening blankness, before waving a hand at Fenrich to stand down. “I gave Dood permission to sleep there, Fenrich; there’s no need for punishment.”

“M-My Lord? Why?”

Lord Valvatorez waved that off too, then switching the hand to cover a yawn instead – Dood, his fangs are so cute when he yawns – before climbing out of his coffin. “The combat skills of this current batch of prinnies are woeful, Fenrich. I’ve been thinking all day about how to rectify this,” The dood even instructs in his sleep? “and I believe the problem lies in their lack of motivation to learn. I think a battle-field trip is in order, to throw them in at the deep end and scare some obedience into them.” Dood, that’s messed up...

“An excellent idea, Lord Val,” the boot-licking sadist naturally agreed. “But why is-?”

“Come, Fenrich! We’ll need an early start for the night’s activities.”

Mr. Grumpy simply frowned, sighing as he tried to deal with the reality that is Lord Valvatorez – Same, dood – before turning around to scowl at me. “Why did he let you sleep in here, prinny?” Something dark and suspicious came over the dood’s face before I even got a chance to reply. “You aren’t blackmailing him, are you?”

“Blackmailing him? With what, dood?” I had to flatly ask. “I don’t think Lord Valvatorez even understands the concept of being embarrassed, dood.” That dood can be the personification of TMI sometimes, I swear... “I’ve just been doing some extra work for him, that’s all; I want to atone and get out of here as quick as possible, dood.” Okay, the last part was a lie, but it was a smooth one I’m very proud of, dood.

Fenrich didn’t look convinced, nor happy even if the dood believed any part of it, but leaving to catch up to Lord Valvatorez won out and saved my hide this time.

Jeez, what an evening, dood.

~DOOD~

So combat... exposure therapy, let’s call it, was fun, dood.

The rest of the prinnies thought they were just getting another field trip like the aquarium when they all rushed into the portal. Sandcano quickly disappointed the doods on the other side, most hacking and whining about the sandstorm where we emerged. Lord Valvatorez didn’t even make us fight in that part though, leading us off through a nearby canyon where a bunch of yeehaw gunners ‘surprise’ jumped us from the cliffs.

The whole thing was such a pandemonium of exploding prinnies and bullets none of the others seemed to even notice Lord Valvatorez and Fenrich disappearing off safely to one side, looking to all intents like the doods were going to have a picnic while watching this prinny massacre.

At the back where I’d been dawdling, I saw those banditos appearing above early enough to bail aside behind a decently large and helpful rock, dood. A gunner did try and take cover behind my rock at one point, but throwing just about every knife in my pouch at him in one concentrated barrage knocked the dood out cold – I swear I designed that awesome move, dood, I totally didn’t just make it up on the spot because I panicked.

Anyway, long story short Lord Valvatorez had paid the cowboy-dood to round up his posse and inflict even more pain on the prinnies than the names he had given out on the first day. The fact I’d beaten one of the doods up all by myself got me put under that piercing gaze of Lord Valvatorez’s again, dood, but he just gave another of his enigmatic nods in the end. I was prouder even Fenrich was looking at me with a sort of confused respect mixed in with the dood’s persistent suspicion as we headed back to Hades, myself the only prinny still intact and unscorched.

With the Infirmary full past bursting, there was no waiting to get my sardine today and then get assigned my remaining duty cleaning outside Lord Valvatorez’s and Fenrich’s rooms. I was going to complain that, dood, I just cleaned that the other night, but then I realised...

Hoo-hoo, boy, dood!

What little dirt there was out there was easily cleaned up by the time Lord Valvatorez retired to his bedroom with Fenrich in tow, the door left open the subtlest crack for a helpful eye such as my own to watch through, dood.

The two doods were standing so awkwardly inside, Lord Valvatorez obviously having no clue how to handle this part while Fenrich couldn’t allow himself to take the lead. Dood, do I need to bust in and-?

“I have a gift for you, Fenrich,” Lord Valvatorez super plainly began. I swear, someone needs to type the word ‘subtlety’ into his internal systems and click ‘Add to Dictionary’, dood.

“A gift, my Lord?” You know, I’m not going to blame the dood for sounding as if he was worried it was going to be a bouquet of sardines he’d have to fake appreciation for. I really hope you like rocks, dood.

“Yes.” Lord Valvatorez then took the step of remembering to actually take the gift out from inside his physics-defying cape to present.

Dood, he’d found sardine-print wrapping paper for it. What the actual hell. That’s so weird it goes full circle back round to adorable.

At least Fenrich looked slightly put at ease by the fact it wasn’t sardine-shaped as well, accepting it very carefully and reverently. “I... Thank you, Lord Val. I don’t know what I’ve done to deserve this but-”

“It’s not a reward, Fenrich. Just a gift,” Lord Valvatorez clarified to the dood.

Fenrich blinked, processing that. The dood then wasted no more words between them before gently ripping the wrapping paper back with his claws to reveal, yep, still just a rock, dood. “This...”

“Can you tell what it is?” Lord Valvatorez asked with an interesting curiosity. So, what’s so special about the special rock, dood?

“I...” Fenrich was frowning, inspecting the bared rock in his hands but mainly just holding it. The dood seemed to have an idea, but was very hesitant to chance, “This feels like...”

“Yes?”

“Well, it feels as if it’s giving off the same energy I get from moonlight, Lord Val,” the dood said doubtfully. “It doesn’t appear to be hecatolite though, more commonly known as moonstone, and the legends purporting that to be solidified moonstone are false anyway so far as werewolves’ powers go...”

“It’s a piece of the Moon, Fenrich,” Lord Valvatorez made clear.

I could see Fenrich’s golden eyes go wide even from here, dood. He turned to the windows, then pointed out past them at, “A-As in-? This is actual piece of the actual moon in the sky, my Lord?”

“Mm,” Lord Valvatorez nodded. “The humans actually found a way to get up there a few decades ago, I recently discovered on the Netherweb. Quite impressive of them really. If they can go there any time to pick up more pieces I figured they wouldn’t miss this one.” He stepped forward, into close and ‘romantic’ range, dood – Aw, yeah! Here we go, dood. “So this way,” Lord Valvatorez placed his hands around Fenrich’s holding the moon rock, “you can always see our moon, Fenrich. Even when there are clouds, or we’re somewhere it can’t be seen, this way you’ll always be to look at the symbol of that promise we made to each other.”

...Oh, wow, dood. Oh, dood, I totally take it back about him sucking at romance; that’s, like, the most perfect-sounding possible gift ever.

“Lord Val...” And Fenrich genuinely sounded like he was choking up too, dood. “This is...” His fangs were biting on his lip, before his hands simply closed protectively tight around it. “Thank you,” Fenrich said so earnestly, and it meant so much that was all that needed to be said, dood.

Lord Valvatorez smiled, his own fangs glinting in the real moonlight coming in from outside. “Does it give you any power as the rest of the moon does? I wasn’t able to estimate that from my research.” Back onto the curious, non-romantic stuff already, dood.

“A tiny amount,” Fenrich admitted with slight amusement. “But the thought you have displayed with this gift means more than anything else could, Lord Val.”

“Good. I’ve never given this sort of gift before so I wasn’t very certain...”

“Your thoughtfulness, though sporadic in its actual activation, is yet another of your many formidable powers,” Fenrich ‘flattered’ in that special way only that dood can. He moved a step closer though, and his voice went lower in just the right way as he suggested, “Can I assume you would welcome my presence in your bedroom a little longer today, my Lord?” Aw yeah, dood!

“Of course,” Lord Valvatorez answered in a totally normal voice; well, I do struggle to imagine him ever being seductive, dood. “We do have the whole morning free now, Fenrich. Allow me to...” He began walking over here, to the door with a hand out ready to close it – Aw no, dood!

Lord Valvatorez offered a grateful smile out through the crack as he shut his door, but it hardly made up for missing all that juicy action about to commence, dood.

I plopped down on the floor outside, but after long enough to establish you couldn’t even hear anything good from out here through the stone wall I sighed and got back onto my little peg legs to head to the prinny dorms alone.

Oh well, at least someone got lucky today, dood.


	5. Start Over From Level One, Dood

“So what now?” Lord Valvatorez asked. The dood hadn’t waited long after getting lucky the other day to invite me to his bedroom again for another strategy meeting; he must have gotten very lucky indeed, dood. “We’ve performed each of the courtship activities once. Do we begin round again? Or move onto some next stage?”

“I think the next stage would be proposing, dood,” I joked.

“Proposing?” Ah jeez, the dood actually took it seriously. “Hm, I don’t have the requisite livestock for that currently...” Dood, which century are you from?!

“I was joking, dood. And I don’t even think it’ll be necessary, dood,” I sighed; “you two act like you’re already married anyway.”

“We do? But we’re not.” And that appeared to greatly concern Lord Valvatorez. “What behaviours of ours do we need to alter?”

“Don’t change, dood,” I told him. “It’s a good thing, shows how close you are. And it’s cute, dood.”

“But it’s giving a false impression!” he insisted.

“It’s not that false an impression, dood,” I shrugged my flippers. “ _Anyway_ , dood,” Let’s move along, “you should go on a second date with him, if you want my advice. The first one didn’t exactly go great.”

“That is true...” He had a gloved hand to his chin, gaze turned away in thought. “Someplace different this time?”

“Oh yeah, dood.” No question, dood. “Don’t take the prinnies this time, just the two of you.”

“But I can’t just leave them here unsupervised! As a proud and noble prinny instructor I must see to it they receive proper education and supervision at all times!” He even slammed his fist down on his desk in declaration, dood.

How does Fenrich put up with this dood in these moods? “Well, you sometimes leave us alone while you’re here in Hades, dood. Maybe you could do something here.”

“Here? I thought it was the custom to go out for these ‘dates’.”

“Sometimes, dood. But people also have dinner or watch movies together and more relaxed stuff like that; it’s the modern way, dood.”

“A lazy and pale imitation of its former propriety – Yes, that does seem to be the modern way of the human world these days,” he tutted, and hey I resent that, dood! Or do I resemble it? Anyway, “Fenrich and I already dine and watch movies together. How do we delineate these particular instances as dates?”

Wait, he watches movies, dood? There’s a TV in this place somewhere-? Actually, I’ve heard him talk about the Netherweb, and he knows stuff about video games too, so there must be a computer and more here, dood! Maybe I can- Ah, I’ll have to plot for all that later, dood. “You do something special, dood, like prepare some special food or watch a romantic movie.”

“A romantic movie?”

True, I can’t really see these two watching some chick flick together, dood. _Brokeback Mountain_ , maybe. “Might be easier to stick to the dinner for you two, dood.” Lord Valvatorez thankfully nodded enthusiastically. “Don’t just serve sardines, dood.”

“But what could be more special than sardines?! Or more romantic?! Each sardine can lay up to 50,000 eggs during its mating season between February and May!”

“Dood, that’s not ‘romantic’!” This dood’ll be serving up ground dragon horn or weird-shaped eryngi next. I need to save him from himself, as usual. “What’s Fenrich’s favourite food?”

“Fenrich’s favourite food?” He was staring right at me, but the dood wasn’t saying anything.

“...You don’t know, dood?” I’m willing to bet it’s not sardines though after how many times he’s had to kiss that mouth, dood.

“I... No,” the dood realised with actual shock. “I’ve seen Fenrich eat plenty of food over our years together, but what kind of a comrade can I call myself that I don’t know this simple fact about him?”

Since the damn smell from the safe in here drives me crazy each time I’m invited in, “Is there any food he keeps in his room, dood?” I asked, pointedly looking at Lord Valvatorez’s sardine stash.

“Sometimes there are sardines in his room,” Lord Valvatorez mused.

I’m gonna bet that’s just spill-over or some weird sex thing, dood. “You don’t have any other ideas, dood?”

“No,” the dood shook his head. “Should I ask him?”

“It’d be more romantic if we could surprise him, dood.”

“Covert surveillance?” he suggested.

“Surveillance time, dood.”

Worst comes to worst, we can always buy some of those chewy dental sticks for dogs or something, dood.

~DOOD~

Lord Valvatorez was really in the better position for this mission, dood, but I did what I could watching Mr. Grumpy whenever he was overseeing us alone, waiting for him to pull out some snack or maybe bark an order to fetch him something from the kitchens.

No luck though, dood. If it wasn’t for the mealtimes I’d sat with him and Lord Valvatorez I’d have said the dood never ate.

What he eats then tends to be some non-sardine version of whatever meal Lord Valvatorez is eating if the dood’s not just eating them raw with us prinnies. That’s not to say Fenrich doesn’t eat sardines now and then, dood, in what would be considered a normal frequency. But those times he’s left entirely to decide his own meals-

“There doesn’t appear to be any particularly favoured dish or common element,” Lord Valvatorez considered the list we’d written up, each meal we’d seen the dood eat marked with one or two tally marks at most. “Is it possible he doesn’t even have a favourite food?”

“Even if he doesn’t have a favourite, everyone has foods they prefer and don’t, dood.” Except this dood apparently. There really was nothing standing out.

“Should I just ask him?”

I shrugged. “It’d spoil the surprise, but short of following him every second of the night and day to see what he eats behind our backs I don’t know what else we can do, dood.”

Lord Valvatorez turned from considering the list to considering me now.

Oh no. I really should’ve kept my big beak shut, dood.

I knew it as soon as he began with, “Dood-”

“No way, dood!”

“-I’m temporarily relieving you of your normal prinny training duties; I want you to follow Fenrich from now until the time we solve this mystery.”

“Just ask him, dood!” Why me, dood?!

“You’re far ahead of the other prinnies anyway, so I don’t believe this should be an overall hindrance to your education.”

“That’s not why I’m objecting, dood!”

The dood didn’t say anymore though, simply nodding for me to get on with my new orders.

I’m doomed, dood...

Make sure they read a nice eulogy at my funeral, dood.

~DOOD~

The next evening after lectures when we rocked up to Lord Valvatorez to receive our orders the dood simply nodded at me. It did seem to confuse Fenrich slightly, but he didn’t question his lord’s orders obviously, so I snuck off to find a spot to start snooping.

Lord Valvatorez deliberately separated Fenrich from his side for me, heading down to the combat training rooms with some of the prinnies. That left Fenrich and the cleaning prinnies, and me of course, dood.

And jeez, if you thought cleaning all these corridors and halls was a punishment then you haven’t had to spend a night watching someone else do it, dood.

I drew the line at following the dood into the bathroom – We’ve got bigger problems if Fenrich is sneaking off to do his eating in there – but otherwise I was glue, dood. All damn night I watched Mr. Grumpy snapping and barking at the slacking prinnies, and the only thing the dood ate was a couple of pretty measly-looking cheese sandwiches he grabbed out of the kitchens while wandering past. This dood needs to learn the link between eating good and feeling good, no wonder he’s always so grumpy.

By the end of the night I was getting starving myself on a mission like this. But Lord Valvatorez hadn’t told me to stand down and Fenrich just loves when prinnies slack and he gets to work them into the floor before granting them meal time; these other prinnies sure complain and drag their non-existent heels even when it’s to their own detriment, dood.

It seemed no harm to plop down for a little rest while I could hear them cleaning away still, Mr. Grumpy having even grown tired of barking orders. What a bust, dood. I really hope I don’t have to do this again tomorrow because I’m really starting to think he doesn’t even-

“What are you doing slacking off here?” Crap, dood.

I startled to my feet again, wanting to run but thankfully retaining enough sense not to give the dood a more interesting, moving target to play with. Maybe even that wasn’t a good idea though, dood, not when the sadistic irritation on his face shifted to a frown, one that recognised me as not just any of the other fungible prinnies.

Fenrich stepped forward, “You,” not leering forward like he was going to ‘play’ with me but with a true displeasure, eyes narrowed and then lip pulling back on one side. “What is it with you, acting like you’re something special?” I don’t think that’s really the dood’s problem. “Why does Lord Valvatorez always pay so much attention to you?” That’s what I thought it is, dood. “Answer me!”

“I can’t, dood!” Lord Valvatorez better reward my loyalty by paying my Infirmary bills for this, dood.

“‘Can’t’? Do you know whom you’re speaking to, prinny trash?” The dood stomped forward with such force it shook the ground beneath us. “What Lord Valvatorez commands, I command. And what I command, Lord Valvatorez commands. We are as one, do you understand?”

“I understand, dood, but I still can’t tell you.” I drew myself up as tall as I could, right up to the dood’s tummy button, and tried to look him in the eye, which was more like staring up the dood’s nostrils but whatever.

“You...!” It was always the worst sign when Fenrich stopped using his words and moved into just growling instead, when he wasn’t even concerned about the impression he would be giving if Lord Valvatorez was watching. I started backing up, but a couple of little prinny steps were nothing to a pouncing wolf, dood.

If Lord Valvatorez’s hand hadn’t appeared to stop Fenrich and shield me... Hoo boy, dood, I’d be in debt another prinny hide right now.

“M-My Lord?” Fenrich was still crouched in a fighting posture, clawed hands up and visibly itching to get at me, dood.

“Leave them, Fenrich.” It was obeyed, but not happily, dood. I watched Lord Valvatorez glance at me, and the other prinnies watching, before waiting for Fenrich to reluctantly draw himself back up to the sort of posture you have a proper conversation in. “We’ll discuss this later. See that the other prinnies finish their chores, and then come to my room.”

He nodded, “Very well,” gritting that out slightly.

I thought it best to follow Lord Valvatorez, dood, and it got me my sardine for today. After sitting by while Fenrich brought his little slacker-doods to get theirs eventually, the three of us set off together in silence.

Walking behind the two of them, Lord Valvatorez’s cape flapping with little bat-doods and Fenrich’s tail swinging contently, it’s become a familiar sight, dood. Back then it was spoilt by Fenrich’s glancing glares over his shoulder at me, but now there’s no hesitation in entering that little world just of theirs as they walk side-by-side together.

You know when you walk into a room to have a three-person conversation and there’s only one chair, a coffin and a bed in there and you have no idea where to sit, dood? Yeah, I’d never been in that situation before either, and just stood by like a nub as the other two doods talked standing in the centre of the room.

“I apologise for having Dood spy on you today, Fenrich,” Lord Valvatorez began. “I assure you my intentions were not malicious though.”

“Of course I trust your intentions, my Lord,” the dood spared the tiniest fraction of a confused glance at me, “but I would hope you know there’s no need for such methods; whatever you wished to know you could always have approached me directly with.”

“I could have, yes. But I wanted to surprise you in this instance, you see.”

“Surprise me?” Yeah, I’d be kind of nervous if Lord Valvatorez wanted to surprise me with something too, dood. “With what, my Lord?”

Lord Valvatorez looked to me seeking approval, dood. It’s really his to decide, I hope I conveyed with my shrug. If this is the moment we tell him, it’s been a good run, dood. “I... I wanted to find out what your favourite food is, Fenrich.”

“My favourite food?”

“I wanted to know so I could try making it for you sometime... for a dinner together.” I gotta say, the dood wasn’t doing the worst job fessing up to all this. He was slightly embarrassed, but he wasn’t letting it stop him. “I felt it would have been nicer if I were able to surprise you. Hence why we were engaged in covert surveillance.”

“I... see,” Fenrich accepted. The dood’s bigger concern seemed to be though, “‘We’?” he glanced questioningly in my direction. I swear, if he finds some way to blame all this on me...

Lord Valvatorez folded his arms awkwardly, but at least this seems to be all on him, dood. “Dood has been assisting me with... Well, I know you invited me to court you, Fenrich, but I’m afraid I had no idea how to proceed with such an undertaking alone, and had to resort to enlisting their assistance. Despite that, I still seem to have made rather a poor go of it, however.” Aw, you haven’t been that bad, dood!

“Please don’t disparage your efforts so, my Lord,” Fenrich stepped closer, and I thought it was time to start getting excited again, dood, but, “If I may go back a moment first though, not to challenge your at times highly idiomatic worldview, but when precisely did I invite you to court me?”

...What, dood?

“What are you talking about, Fenrich?” Someone’s got some explaining to do here, dood, and it certainly isn’t me. “You said the words quite clearly: ‘You may romance me if you wish, Lord Val’,” Lord Valvatorez repeated.

“Yes, I remember. But that was solely in reply to your question, ‘Do you want me to romance you, Fenrich?’” Fenrich clarified deferently.

Dood...

“B-But you seemed like you- When I brought the matter up you said-!” Lord Valvatorez was floundering like he’d turned into an actual sardine right there on the carpet, dood. “You... don’t want me to romance you, Fenrich?”

“I am merely your humble,” Pfft, dood, “steward, Lord Val. Whatever you wish our relationship to be shall be my wish too.”

Lord Valvatorez’s lips pursed, a dood trying to figure his way out of a labyrinth he’d gotten himself into for no good reason. “Fenrich, I...” His mouth closed again, exhaling with a hum. “I really can’t stand this side of you!” he finally mini-exploded.

Dood, what?! “My Lord?”

“The last thing I ever want to do is force you into something you’re uncomfortable or uninterested in, and yet you repeatedly allow me to do so because you never speak up about your feelings!” the dood had settled into huffy pouting by this point.

Fenrich’s wide, golden eyes blinked, before he settled pretty comfortably into a more relaxed, leant forward posture. “My Lord, that is never my intention, I apologise,” he began calmly, though with a hint he’s enjoying this, dood. “But I am your steward, and you my master-”

“But that’s not all we are, Fenrich,” Lord Valvatorez had calmed back into his usual, earnest self. “I allowed you to be my steward because that was your wish when we made our promise, but you should know I’ve always seen you as an equal nonetheless.”

Fenrich bowed and nodded to that quite gracefully, the whole thing spoilt amusingly by his tail slightly wagging. “I would make clear if anything you asked of me displeased me, is what I mean,” he clarified. “On matters I have no strong feelings either way however, I will always defer to your wishes, Lord Val.”

Lord Valvatorez sighed, placated with this little matter but I think the dood still had some issues overall.

“My Lord,” Fenrich actually started something, dood, “if I may take the liberty of presuming slightly, you have always been interested in romance, haven’t you?” he tested tentatively.

“I’ve always been curious. But what makes you presume that? I wouldn’t say the desire has ever been that strong.”

“Wasn’t that the reason you ended up trapped by this stupid promise to...” the dood trailed off into a growl, looking like he was going to spit with displeasure.

Lord Valvatorez didn’t look much better. “Fenrich... We are not going to discuss that matter.” Dood? “Returning to the _actual_ matter at hand,” Aw, I want to hear about this other, unmentionable matter, dood, “any curiosity I had has been well and truly sated by this whole debacle. And I really have to say I don’t think this whole ‘romance’ thing is for me in the slightest.” Does that mean I’m finally off the hook, dood?

“I’m glad to hear you say that,” Fenrich agreed, smiling in that kind of leering way that I think means the dood’s genuinely happy.

“Ah, finally I get you to admit a feeling, Fenrich!” Dood, I know that is quite an accomplishment but don’t make such a big deal of it. Look, you’ve made Mr. Grumpy frown again. “I’ll desist, in that case, provided you tell me what you do want instead.”

“My Lord, I really don’t want any-”

Denied, dood. “What do you want our relationship to be, Fenrich?” Lord Valvatorez pressed him. “Our personal relationship, not as master and steward.”

“I thought being master and steward _was_ our personal relationship,” Fenrich said like he was testing if that would get him off the hook. Since Lord Valvatorez was still waiting though, “Humans often make a false presumption romantic bonds are superior to all others; I fear your formidably open and impressionable mind too readily absorbed this fact during your observations in the human realm, my Lord.” Dood, the things he gets away with... “They suit the short and foolish lives of humans, but not demons such as you and I.”

Gratuitous disparaging aside, I think I get what the dood means even as a quasi-human myself; the best married couples are always more like best friends than anything, dood.

All this had gone into Lord Valvatorez’s brain by looks of it, and was being given a very thorough considering. Eventually the dood’s response was, “I truly have lost sight in all this, haven’t I, Fenrich?” The other dood looked hesitant to agree until he knew what he was getting himself into. “We are comrades!” And there went the cape to make it an official declaration, dood. “A bond of comradeship is the strongest any being can possess! This eternal pillar at the centre of our relationship is far more important than any adorning features we append to it!” He placed a gloved hand over his face. “How could I forget such a critical fact...?”

“I’m certain it wasn’t your fault, Lord Val,” Fenrich placates the dood so much it ought to be a crime. “You were most likely led astray by others.” He dared to turn and glare at me while Lord Valvatorez wasn’t looking, dood! I am gonna whoop that fluff-tailed ass of yours, Fido!

“No, it was my own weakness in mental fortitude that allowed me to ever doubt our existing bond, Fenrich.” You know a good remedy for that, dood? Sardines. I bet Lord Valvatorez would agree, dood. “All this romance is far too close to ‘ _love_ ’ anyway,” he scorned like an 8-year-old who thinks holding hands will make him catch cooties, before standing tall again. “I see now it was pointless from the start, even if I had succeeded.” You say that, dood, but it feels an awful like love in here to me.

“Then we may cease all this, my Lord?”

The dood nodded. “Though I do still wish you’d speak your mind more, Fenrich; we both could have avoided all this palaver had you simply spoken up when the moment merited it,” he huffed though.

Fenrich just bowed to him. “I will endeavour to remember your wishes in similar future instances.”

Lord Valvatorez sighed, frustration deflating. “I suppose you wouldn’t be my Fenrich were you to change too much...” They’re totally like a married couple, dood, it’s too cute. “I’m glad to have settled this matter.”

“As am I, Lord Val.”

He stepped up, and I thought I’d at least get some hugging action, dood, but all Lord Valvatorez did was awkwardly slap the back of one of Fenrich’s shoulders. “We are comrades, Fenrich.” I think that’s the dood’s way of saying ‘I love you’ in demon.

“Indeed, my Lord,” and the dood did one of those one arm across bows.

“‘If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it’ I believe the humans say.”

“One of the few sensible things they have ever advocated.”

“Good,” Lord Valvatorez nodded and, dood, he was staring only at Fenrich with far too much intensity that I felt like a voyeur just watching them. “We’re in agreement then?”

“Always,” Fenrich said. “Although personally I would consider our relationship to be beyond the simple categorisation of a single label; it is not the sort of thing others would properly appreciate, Lord Val, and labelling it may give a false impression.”

“But I like being comrades,” he complained almost childishly.

“I am aware.” Aren’t we all, dood? Fenrich was at least fondly amused by now though. “I suppose the term will do, if they insist on crude pigeonholing.” Do you think they have pigeons in the netherworld, dood? I half-expected him to say ‘prinnyholing’, but that sounds like it would be a painful procedure, dood... “To that end,” Fenrich continued, “I would also advise against letting others be involved in our personal matters from now on.” The dood glared right at me, and I had a little too much fun bobbing on the spot to show how much I was enjoying this little, private show.

“Oh, leave Dood be, Fenrich,” Lord Valvatorez instructed his doggie to stand down. “I was the one who asked for their help, and I would have made an even worse dog’s dinner of all this without them.” He crossed over to crouch a little in front of me, petting my head and everything, dood! “Thank you for all your help and advice, Dood.”

I wonder if my cheeks were glowing as much as it felt they were, dood. “Aw, it was nothing, dood! Just doing my job.”

He smiled and, dood, he’s so extra cute with those little fangs. “I think this all went a little beyond your standard prinny duties.”

“Well, I was still glad to help out, dood.” Yeah, maybe I was sucking up again slightly but hey, “Does that mean my work’s done now?” I wanted to get out of this on the dood’s good side.

“Yes,” Fenrich snapped for him. “So get out, and stay out of our way from now on.”

I narrowed my eyes at the dood – Don’t forget about that stuffed sardine, dood – but in that case simply saluted Lord Valvatorez, tottering off for the door before I outstayed the extra brownie points I’d earned with all this.

Stage clear, dood!

~DOOD~

We didn’t see the two doods around for a little while after that – They were totally busy banging, dood, let’s admit it – until assignment time tomorrow evening.

I thought I was past the whole getting called aside to Lord Valvatorez’s bedroom thing when he requested me there after sardine time, but this time, “Here,” the dood simply handed me a small chest.

“Dood?” I don’t have to, like, deliver this to Fenrich or something now, do I?

“Compensation for the extra work you performed for me,” he explained. Shifting the chest in my flippers to unlock its clasp, the whole thing rattled inside. “Put it towards your atonement.”

It was full of money, dood! “Th-Thank you so much, Lord Valvatorez, dood!” I don’t really care about my atonement and all that, but sweet! Maybe the doods at Rosen Queen would serve me if I asked at a good time...

“It’s nothing you haven’t earned,” he simply said, nodding that was all.

That wasn’t it for me though, dood.

The next night, “You,” was growled behind me. I’ve gotten too used to that tone directed towards me, dood, knowing I was the prinny who should turn around from sword polishing.

“Sir Fenrich?”

He simply tossed his head, walking away that way.

Out in the corridor the dood tossed a rough, cloth sack on the ground at my peg-leg feet. Picking it up, this rattled and jingled in a far too familiar way, dood. “Don’t get any ideas about helping out again,” was his one acknowledgement before he stalked away.

Dood, don’t blame me if you get called a ‘tsundere’ someday.

But hey-hey, paid twice for the same work! Popping this into my little pouch-dood, I had no idea how lucky I was to receive that there and then.

~DOOD~

Special assembly, dood – Are we getting told off, or is it just another double-feature sardine lecture?

Lord Valvatorez climbed up on his little box, Fenrich at his side as ever, acting all the world like it was lecture time when he announced, “Prinnies, tomorrow your instruction will be complete!” ‘Complete’? As in-? “At the end of the night’s work tomorrow you will all graduate from your prinny training, and in celebration shall receive one sardine!”

The whole room cheered as one, dood.

“A whole sardine?!”

“I’m so happy, dood!”

“Three cheers for Lord Valvatorez, dood!”

They really have changed since we first got here, dood. Just goes to show what an instructor the dood is, I suppose.

He was looking far too pleased with himself and the flattery, by the way, while Fenrich rolled his eyes about the whole show. When the room’s volume had finally settled again enough, “You will all receive an account of the debt of your sins to pay off, and if you have not yet reached that total also your work assignment from here on.” Doods, I really don’t think you should be cheering that if you’d paid attention properly in his netherworld lectures. “Those fortunate enough to have reached it will be able to attend the Red Moon rising that night to reincarnate straight away.”

Reincarnate, dood...?

The other prinnies were murmuring excitably, trading guesses as to their sin debts and the assignments they might receive.

I simply held my little pouch-dood, even though I couldn’t feel the weight of all the money tucked inside its little pocket dimension, not sure what label to give to my feelings, dood.


	6. A Red Moon Day, Dood

I’d completely lost track of how long we’d been in training by the time graduation day came round, dood. I can tell you it now takes about three months, though back then when even Lord Valvatorez was still learning the ropes it was closer to four.

There was so much excitement amongst the prinnies the doods were all rushing to get their work done the next night; I swear they can’t have been listening during the lectures if they think graduating’s a good thing. Maybe the doods are just really looking forward to that graduation sardine, I guess.

Myself... I don’t know, dood. This one night I just couldn’t get up my normal enthusiasm for the work. I didn’t slack so much I’d get punished on my final night – You don’t want that going on your _r_ _é_ _sum_ _é_ , dood – nor even to get it commented on by Lord Valvatorez and Fenrich. I guess only I felt it, dood, as the hours of the night ticked down to morning.

Even I wasn’t immune to the excitement of knowing that was it, dood, no more chores here, no more combat training or multi-hour lectures. Whatever lay ahead, however much worse it might be, I think we just wanted to be able to celebrate being past this.

The extra sardine wasn’t much really but it was another of those little symbols, that Lord Valvatorez was now proud enough of us for the dood to be rewarding us like this. They all disappeared into our beaks far too quickly anyway, having been told to line up one final time, dood.

“Congratulations, prinnies! Today is your very last day in Hades!” Lord Valvatorez declared from up on his little crate-dood. “You all died and were sent to Hades... Why is that?”

“Because we committed crimes, dood!” the other prinnies all answered as one. I swear, I don’t know when they all developed that hive mind I missed out on, dood.

“That’s right! You’re lowly criminals!” the dood continued. “And who educated you peons, who didn’t even know how to speak like a prinny?”

“Lord Valvatorez, dood!”

Does he do this every time, dood?

“Correct! I’ve raised you all to become great prinnies, so that you can be shipped out to the netherworld at any time.”

He’s going to get so sick of this after four centuries or so repeating the same line, dood, I bet you.

“Today is the day you’ve been waiting for!” Lord Valvatorez concluded. “Today, you will go forth and work hard to pay for your sins!”

He finally stepped down off his little crate-dood, accepting a ledger Fenrich stepped forth to hand to him. It didn’t look like much, dood, but he was intent as he opened it and walked to one end of the lined-up block.

“You will now be told the extent of your atonement still to repay,” Lord Valvatorez explained. “Present any money you have managed to earn whilst here in Hades from extra work so it may be taken into account. After resting, this afternoon you will all be shipped out to your new masters to work off your remaining debts.”

Ah, there’s about three dozen of us doods so these one-by-one things always take ages. And I’m at the back too, extra torture waiting, dood...

I hear Celestia’s nice if you’re lucky enough to be sent there, dood, but not many prinnies make that grade; I certainly didn’t hear Lord Valvatorez assigning any there when he read off their remaining debts and destinations.

But then again not many of the other prinnies had any Hell to cough up, a few hundred at most which did little for the debts in the thousands or tens of thousands Lord Valvatorez was shocking the doods by reading off. I dunno what they pay prinnies, dood, probably prinimum wage, but I really don’t regret getting this head-start now.

There are a few prinnies who actually work here in Hades actually, or I think so, dood. They work more for the prison than Lord Valvatorez, but still. He doesn’t seem open to requests about destinations, but if I ask real nicely...

“Dood,” Lord Valvatorez finally stopped in front of me, his super old-fashioned quill pen paused at the bottom of the list, “your initial debts to atone for total to... 1,234 HL.” That’s all, dood? That’s the lowest figure that’s been read out, almost more like what you’d make up if you didn’t have a proper figure to assign someone, dood. I still can’t even remember what I got sent here for. “Do you have any money to present?”

I guess the dood was just following procedure. “Yes, Lord Valvatorez, dood!” Rummaging in my pouch, I pulled out from it the little sack-dood I’d tipped it all into, holding it out. “Uh...” It was going to be a lot to count.

The dood’s eyebrow raised to see even more than he’d given me. “Fenrich,” he called.

“Yes, my Lord.” Fenrich came to take it, moving aside to count over by the wall while Lord Valvatorez moved onto to the final remaining prinnies. They really have to torture me to the last, dood; Fenrich even has his back to us to keep the whole thing hidden.

All the other prinnies were murmuring about me – What’s new, dood? – but whatever.

Lord Valvatorez doesn’t seem the type to take bribes. Maybe Fenrich though, dood? But considering how the dood seems to hate me for being on Lord Valvatorez’s good side perhaps there’s even less chance I can bribe him into letting me work here in Hades. Maybe if I slack off at my next place I’ll get sent back here? Or perhaps I’ll be able to bribe that dood for a transfer. I wonder if prinnies get vacation days so I could come visit-

“My Lord,” Fenrich interrupted as Lord Valvatorez finished up with the final prinny in line.

“How much was it, Fenrich?”

“I double-checked – 2,880 HL.”

Wait, what, dood?! Then...

Lord Valvatorez stopped in front of me again, quill pen going back down to that spot at the bottom of the list and drawing a neat line through the entry there. “Your debts have been paid. You may proceed directly to reincarnation, Dood.”

“I’m... going to reincarnate, dood?” my mouth tried to process for my brain.

“You will remain here while the other prinnies are shipped this afternoon. Tonight you will go to the netherworld the Red Moon is currently rising in and return to the human world,” Lord Valvatorez smiled down at me.

...I’m leaving already, dood?

~DOOD~

If the other prinnies struggled to sleep that day it was because of nightmares and fear of the new masters they’d been assigned to, some infamous enough to be striking terror even into doods this new to the Netherworld.

Me though...

I guess it doesn’t matter that I didn’t sleep at all that day consider I’m...

Dying tonight.

I’m going to die tonight, dood.

Isn’t that what reincarnation is?

All this time here, these memories... When we were in the human world Lord Valvatorez said it all gets stripped away when your soul is fully cleansed ready to start a new life, dood.

Will I go back to that human world, the one that’s connected to Hades? If I’m being sent to a different netherworld wherever the Red Moon is rising though, dood, will I reincarnate into that human world instead? Would I then go to that netherworld instead of Hades if I died and became a prinny again?

I don’t know any of this, dood. I just don’t want to leave... Not yet... I don’t want to leave...

Lord Valvatorez, dood...

~DOOD~

Shipping out the other prinnies meant actually literally shipping the doods, taping them up inside cardboard boxes – Is it okay that most were being sent out in orange boxes? We’re a little more explosive than oranges, dood – and slapping an address label on before a flutter of mothy couriers arrived to collect them and flew away.

That was it then, dood. I was the only one left.

I never liked those other prinnies any more than they liked me, dood, but...

“Sorry to keep you, Dood,” Lord Valvatorez returned to where I’d been watching from across the way, staring on distantly until I snapped back to attention now. “I’ll find out which netherworld is having its Red Moon tonight straight away.”

“Hey, no rush, dood,” I said, feeling so awkward I sounded as cheerfully friendly as always. “I don’t mind having to wait until...” His face looked so blank, so innocent staring down at me, dood. Lord Valvatorez didn’t have an idea what I wanted, what I wanted to say. “...until you’re done finding out, dood,” I finished, forcing as much of a smile as a beak can make.

“Please, it doesn’t take me long at all,” he scorned lightly.

The dood seemed a little different to me now. “You’re being friendlier than normal, Lord Valvatorez, dood.”

“Am I?” he considered. “Well, no. It’s simply that I don’t have to be your instructor anymore now, Dood. You’re free.”

‘Free’, dood...?

I guess I am. I’m free from all of this, dood.

I’m free to go live another, hopefully happy human life, and if I remember my lessons here, go on to heaven when I die. Just like I’m meant to, dood.

Just like... Lord Valvatorez wants, dood.

“Well, I’m ready any time, dood!” I mustered as much cheer as I could, even saluting the dood.

“It shan’t take long,” he reassured. “Wait around here in the meantime.”

“Aye-aye, dood!”

If this is what will make you happy, Lord Valvatorez, dood, I’ll be the best prinny I can until the very end.

~DOOD~

We stepped through the portal together, Fenrich having been begrudgingly told to sit and stay back in Hades, onto dark grass beneath our feet. This grass was a midnight blue though, dood, most likely blue or purple or some other wacky colour during the day instead of the green grass back home.

The human world I’ll be reborn into... What colour is the grass there? What colour will I get used to grass being, dood, forgetting all the colours I’ve seen here?

“The reincarnation site is straight ahead over this verge,” Lord Valvatorez pointed out, the dark night sky glowing with a pink tinge over the swell ahead. “There should be plenty of other prinnies there already to make sure you’re in the right place. Just wait for the deaths once you’re there.”

“Deaths, dood?”

“Soul-reaping is the responsibility of either shadows or deaths, sometimes known as reapers; this netherworld is under the deaths’ remit.” Oh jeez, a grim reaper, dood? “Just present your money when they ask and they’ll do the rest.”

“Right, dood.” I put my flipper into my pouch, checking the money he’d handed back earlier was still there.

Once I was satisfied it was still there and retracted my flipper, a hand came to rest on my hesitating back, pushing me gently forward. “Go on now. Your sins are all paid for. You may walk there with your head held high.”

I stared down at the grass, feeling that hand leave my back now it was done pushing. My wings twitched weakly at the loss; I never did learn how to fly properly with them, dood. But here I am anyway, with that reddening light shining over the top of the hill ahead.

Turning around, “Thank you so much, Lord Valvatorez, dood!” I bowed the very best a prinny could for him.

He scoffed slightly. “There’s no need to thank me for doing my job.”

Heh. “You always say that, dood.” His eyes blinked slightly to be called out on it, the hint of red light shining in them. “It may be your job, but I wanted to thank you for doing it so well, dood – You’re the best prinny instructor a prinny could have, Lord Valvatorez, dood!”

That hint of red light in his eyes almost seemed to glisten, dood, before it softened as he smiled. “You’re the first prinny who’s ever thanked me like that.”

“Well, you’re only three batches in, right? I’m sure I won’t be the last, dood.” I couldn’t help bobbing enthusiastically.

His gloved hand covered his face as he let out a little noise of laughter, before he stared down at me again. Then the dood crouched slightly to my height, that hand reaching out to rub the top of my head. “Perhaps. But I’m sure I’ll never have another student as good as you, Dood,” Lord Valvatorez said.

“Dood...”

That was the words he left me with, dood, standing back up and taking his hand from my head. I dared to stare up at him smiling down, happy, a moment longer, before I turned and ran forward towards the verge, the red light ahead growing ever closer.

At the top of the verge I paused. Turning back, I waved to Lord Valvatorez one final time this life, before walking on eclipsed the dood from my sight for good.

It was all empty grassland after that, dood, stretching all the way to a large dirt patch thronging with murmuring prinnies as far as my little eye could see. Here the Red Moon already filled a third of the sky, dyeing even the air a pinkish colour as I ran fast enough to feel it turn to a breeze on my hide.

_“Red Moon, Red Moon...”_

Growing close, the murmuring came into focus as singing, one single song sung as one by most of the prinnies; it was repetitive enough I’d guess a few doods started it and the rest have simply picked it up once here.

_“Cleanses the sinful and makes them anew...”_

Walking up to the back of the crowd – It’s always been my place with other prinnies, dood – I could see more pouring in from other directions to gather with us.

_“Shining brightly in the night sky...”_

With every moment more of the dark sky filled with that glowing red, a planet that must have been so far but yet looked so close you could reach up and touch it now. It was ominous, dood, but I found I didn’t mind.

_“Waiting for the souls...”_

When it had risen to fill half the height of the sky something dark, something larger than prinnies, appeared at our edges; from the glint of a scythe, I could guess who the doods were.

_“Who will be born again tonight?”_

They walked up to prinnies, received the money in sacks, chests, even collections of socks – I hope the doods washed those first – exchanged a few words and then...

I looked up to the Red Moon waiting above, faceless and impersonal, but warm in its glow as fabric collapsed to the floor and shining lights began floating into the sky. They were free, dood. Those souls were free, disappearing into twinkles as they were swallowed by the light of the Red Moon.

“Your atonement?”

I had heard it, dood, the sound of collapsing fabric right beside me.

I turned to the shadowed, hunched death looming ready for me now, skull coloured pink in the light. It somehow wasn’t hard to reach into my pouch, taking out the sack of money to present to the dood’s white, gloved hands.

One held the money in an upturned palm, like the pan of a weighing scale, on top of that scythe. The other then reached forward, disappearing seamlessly through my hide as if it wasn’t there for him. A really weird feeling, the realisation that this was my one and only life and that I was alive, dood, just one small being living a tiny, little life I was trapped in until it ended, lasted only a moment before the dood withdrew that hand inside of me. “Your payment is accepted.”

The sack dissolved in the red moonlight, money melting like glittering light into the dood’s scythe – Not a bad special effect, I gotta say, dood – that was then taken in both hands.

_“Who will be born again tonight?”_

It hurt, worse than anything, dood, but only for the shortest second before the pain was interrupted by pain having no meaning anymore. My hide, gravity, light and dark...

Everything became just red moonlight, dood.

~DOOD~

Numb, cool dryness...

Firm pressure on one side, cool freedom on the other...

The most tranquil silence you’ve ever-

A sharp tugging wrenched me up into the air. “Let me go, dood! I swear I’ll call Lord Valvatorez and he’ll totally-!”

“What?!” I bumped back down onto hard dirt. Dood, my threat actually worked? “What in Hades is a prinny still doing here unpurified?!” That voice, dood... “You there! Were you hoping to cheat and be purified before paying off your sins?! Because if you were-!”

“Lord Valvatorez, dood?!” I spun onto my back, staring up at a dood who looked just as surprised to see me.

He gaped for a moment, “...Dood?!” How does he always recognise me, dood?

I guess that’s not the most important thing right now. Getting back up onto my peg-legs, I surveyed a surroundings of what had to be a thousand or so prinny hides lying empty and dead so thick you couldn’t see the dirt beneath, dood. A small patch had been cut in like a path towards where I stood right at the centre of this morbid mass-undressing, made by Lord Valvatorez I was going to guess even though I had no idea why. “Yeah, it’s me, dood. What am I still doing here?”

“That’s what I’d like to know!” Dood, he’s angry at me?! “Didn’t you go through with your purification?!”

“I did, dood!” Ahh, I don’t wanna know what the punishment for not dying properly is, dood. “I came here, the deaths came and I gave one my money. The dood said my payment was accepted and reaped me with his scythe – It really hurt, dood! – and then I kind of...” I don’t really know how to put that part into words, dood. “I floated up into the red moonlight and everything slipped away. It totally felt like I’d died, dood. But then I woke up here.”

“The death said your payment was accepted?” Lord Valvatorez considered with a frown.

“Yeah, the dood weighed it against my soul.” Or that’s what I’m going to assume he was doing.

His whole face darkened, dood, even seeming to darken the air all around him as if he was drawing darkness to him. Then the anger boiled over, Lord Valvatorez’s whole eyes flashing as red as the moon tonight. “This is completely UNACCEPTABLE!” he declared with the biggest cape flaring I’d ever seen, dood.

“D-Dood?!” Is he still angry at me, dood?

“A hard-working prinny earns the money to pay for their sins,” the dood spat out, “hands it over, and is scammed! I can’t believe anyone would perpetrate such bare-faced skulduggery on a poor, helpless prinny!”

Oh, he’s not mad at me, dood, phew. Yeah, “I know, dood!” let’s blame someone else!

Lord Valvatorez had turned around to where the Red Moon was waning down towards the horizon, little more than a crescent moon now like someone had left a toenail clipping in the sky – Wait, that’s not how the moon usually works, is it, dood? Eerie, dood – and fixed it with a terrifyingly cold glare. “If it weren’t for Fenrich and our promise, your nights would be numbered.” Dood, did he... just threaten the freaking moon?

Uhh, this seemed a pretty good time to bring up, “I seem to be the only one who didn’t get reincarnated properly, Lord Valvatorez, dood,” I said, looking around at all the abandoned hides. “The death who... you know, he definitely did some other prinnies too.” Was there something wrong with how I earned my money, dood? Or was I reaped funny when I died as a human after all in the first place?

The dood looked round, calming down back into Sherlock-mode. “Peculiar. You appear to be right. Yet I can’t think of any reason only you would have been deceived. Do you have any idea?”

“Uhh... no, dood.” Let’s keep blaming the other dood in all this.

After a little more contemplation while I sweated slightly, waiting, “Right, come with me, Dood,” Lord Valvatorez instructed.

“Where are we going, dood?”

“To the president of Hades!” All the way to the president, dood?! “We happen to go back some ways, and I know Death King Hugo will not let this travesty of nature stand any more than I shall!”

‘Death King’? Dood, am I going to be getting out of this meeting alive?

“Ah, if you don’t mind,” Lord Valvatorez was back to a more simple, humble tone, “would you help me collect these prinny hides though first? If I take them back to the prinny factory in Hades they give me 50HL for every one that I return.” Recycling, dood? “Just into your pouch will be fine, if it’s working.”

I had a little rummage to check, and my pouch-dood seemed to be working just-

My flipper brushed something dry and a little rough, something familiarly so. Pulling the little dood out, a crumpled ball of dry, muddied paper lay in my dark flipper.

Stashing it again, I looked around for the verge I’d come over before. Lord Valvatorez hadn’t gathered any hides in that direction yet, so I worked myself over that way, collecting up hides as I went – I know it ought to be like collecting human remains or something, but I’ve been put in enough new hides myself not to really be bothered by it any more, dood.

When they put you in a new hide though you have to transfer the pouch from the old one, or else go to the Dimension Guide-dood to sync your old portal to your new pouch.

I had enough to turn over in my mind to work my way out to the edge without having to face it, until I’d picked up everything but the very outer hides of the group. Waddling this way and that, I tried to find the spot again. There was no hide where I finally stopped, dood.

“...Lord Valvatorez, dood?” I couldn’t see myself, but I could guess...

“Hm?” The dood looked up from where he was gathering hides a little ways from me.

“How did you recognise it was me, dood?”

He paused himself now, and I knew the dood had realised it too. “Your stitches are the same, Dood.”

Those funny stitches he’d shown me in the mirror all that time ago... There were no hides laying on the ground with those stitches, dood.

We didn’t discuss it there and then, too many hides to collect, dood, but why?

Why was I put back into the same hide, dood?

Why was I moved to the centre, dood?

Why am I still here, dood?

I know I didn’t exactly want to leave just yet, dood, but I thought I had no choice. Am I a disappointment to Lord Valvatorez? Dood, is this my new punishment for wishing to stay, having to remain at his side but always as a disappointment to him? I don’t want to believe the Netherworld is that harsh, not after he’s shown me so much kindness here.

The sky was beginning to pale with approaching dawn by the time all the hides were gathered, tucked inside my pouch and Lord Valvatorez’s stupid-impossible cape. We headed back to that little base portal-dood the dimension gate leaves wherever you come out, and I fell into line behind Lord Valvatorez just like old times, dood.

“We’ll leave these in the storage rooms for now,” the dood said, leading the way through a Hades beginning to yawn and dwindle off to bed as morning approached for the demons, not even sparing a glance our way. “Seeing to this heinous injustice is far more important first.”

“Okay, dood.”

There were so many hides we each had to deposit them in a separate storage cell, and it wasn’t long until I was plenty tired of shaking my upside-down pouch and watching them grow into a pile I was not envying having to move again later, dood; I wanna reincarnate just so I don’t have to deal with all these.

Voices were talking outside when I was finally ready to leave, “Welcome back, my Lord. Are you ready to retire for the day?” not hard to tell who had sniffed out our return.

“Not quite yet, Fenrich. I have something important to see to still.”

“Something important?”

“I can handle it myself, you may retire for the day.” I stayed tucked safely inside the storage cell where Mr. Grumpy wasn’t gonna be able to somehow blame me for all this, dood. “Oh, but would you ask Nino to come collect the prinny hides from the storage cells before you do?”

A little pause that would have fitted a bow and, “All is for my Lord,” it sounded as if Fenrich had walked off, though I swear that dood has pawpads on his shoes ‘cause I never hear him coming or going.

Sticking my head out into a thankfully safe corridor, “Come then, Dood,” Lord Valvatorez said, “We’ll go request an audience at the Blight House immediately,” already heading straight that way himself.

“Coming, dood!” I tottered after him, hoping he’d protect me from this Death King president or vice versa when this inevitably went wrong somehow; I’ve learnt how things go around here, dood.

Ah, dood, the Dimension Guide’s gonna be pissed we’re keeping her up like this back and forth tonight. I hope she doesn’t program it to land us in, like, the Blight House bathrooms or-

“Dood...!” Lord Valvatorez had frozen, turned back to face me.

I nearly bumped into the dood’s shapely legs before I stopped in time. “What, dood?”

“Your hide...”

My-? “Ahh! Why am I black, dood?!” My, well not that pretty, blue hide had all turned pitch black, dood! I guess we didn’t notice out where it was so dark there and in the storage cells, and you can’t see much of yourself as a prinny normally, being so round. My stomach was still white, and the rest looked normal, but what the hell, dood?! “Did it rot or something when I died in it?”

Lord Valvatorez was looking at me like it wasn’t that though. He was frowning, dood, which didn’t make me feel good about all this, but there was a pensiveness in it. All I could do was wait, until the dood now said, “I... Hm. Come to my chambers, Dood.”

“Uh, okay, dood.” I can’t really refuse; whatever colour I am, I’m still a prinny, dood.

Thankfully Fenrich hadn’t retired to curl up in either Lord Valvatorez’s bed or his own doggie bed next door by the time we got up there, allowing us the peace to sit at his desk – Well, I had to stand beside his chair – as the dood pulled a book from under the much more used pile of sardine ones, the cute one with the little prinny dood on the front.

While he began reading intently, flicking through lots of pages as if each was utterly disappointing him, “...What’s that book, dood?” I eventually asked when it was getting boring to wait.

“It’s the Princyclopaedia Nethannica – It’s the ultimate resource on prinnies in all the netherworlds.” Dood, there’s a book about us? “Well, I suppose it might be more correct to say it’s the only resource on prinnies in all the netherworlds.” Never any love for us prinnies, dood.

“So, what does it say, dood?”

“Well, prinnies with notable achievements in combat are granted special hide colours, marking them out as Captain Prinnies, Colonel Prinnies and so forth,” the dood explained. “However, this is performed manually, the prinny’s soul being transferred to the new hide already of that colour. Given that is most definitely your original hide that has somehow changed colour however...”

“...What, dood?” Do I not want to know?

“As it happened upon reincarnation, and you have obviously retained your previous memories from your life as a prinny, I believe it’s far more likely we’re dealing with a case of an uncleansable spirit.”

Uncleansable...?

Then I really am...? “What did I do wrong, dood?”

Lord Valvatorez finally looked up from the book, eyes blinking wide. “It’s not a flaw in your spirit, quite the opposite.” Dood? “I mentioned, did I not, when we were in the human world that one time particularly strong spirits are able to resist the cleaning processes that happen upon reaping?”

Oh yeah, dood. “But how am I...? I don’t have a particularly strong spirit, do I?”

“Indeed, it ought to be impossible for a prinny’s spirit to ever gain the strength to become uncleansable.” One elegant finger was tapping on his chin. “Could perhaps your lack of human memories...?” The dood held his chin fully now. “No, even still the life of a prinny shouldn’t possibly have...”

I’m getting confused, dood. “So what does being uncleansable have to do with my hide changing colour, dood?” I still want my answer to that.

The dood broke contemplation for a moment to explain, “An uncleansable spirit, when placed inside the empty vessel of a prinny hide, will discolour and/or physically distort the hide by the sheer will of trying to contain such a strong spirit.” Oh cool, dood. “But black... Why black...?” He returned to skimming through fitfully; should’ve bought the ebook, dood, it’d make searching lots easier- “Ah-ha! Oh my...”

“What, dood?” Hurry up, dood! Just exposition dump if you have to!

“‘Historically gold, and now black hides are reserved for only the most capable and accomplished of fighting prinnies.’” I mean, I was the best fighter of the class, dood, but I don’t think I quite qualify for that. “‘Such prinnies are colloquially referred to as ‘Prinny Gods’...” the dood trailed off.

Awkward silence descended. “Hehe... so I’m a god now, dood?”

He didn’t appreciate my little icebreaker, dood. Lord Valvatorez was staring at the pages, then I shrivelled as the dood turned to stare at me for a long, terrifying moment.

“Dood!” He didn’t even ask before sweeping from his chair to crouch before me, pulling at my stitches. “Th-That feels weird, dood!”

The dood was pulling them loose, and have you ever had your own body start falling to bits on you, dood? Weird experience. It was all still working but in the wrong places, slipping slowly so far out of range I didn’t know how to move it. I was still left standing- well, there without physically standing, dood. I guess floating there or something.

I heard the collapsing of fabric to the floor, and at some point I stopped seeing with physical eyes, dood, but I was still able to watch Lord Valvatorez’s eyes go wide in shock, or I hope it wasn’t full-on horror at least. The dood wrenched himself away from me, turning his back and pulling his cape in around him as he paced like a demon possessed to the large windows of his room, passing through onto the balcony.

I’m... that repulsive now, dood? What does an uncleansable soul look like?

I floated to the dood’s mirror but however I was seeing didn’t seem to work with that, dood. Like a safety blanket, I just wanted to dive back into my hide, wrestling around until all of me was back in the right places and I could pull my stitching tight again to stand up, feeling redressed – Does that mean I was naked before? Do they make underwear for your soul, dood?

Staggering a little as I got used to my peg-legs again, I waddled out after the dood onto his little stone balcony.

Lord Valvatorez was stood at the very edge, holding onto the little wall as he stared down so despondently. “What’s wrong, dood? My soul doesn’t look that horrendous, does it?” I tried lightly as I came up to his side. “I know I might not be-”

“I’m sorry, Dood,” he cut in seriously.

“Dood?”

“I have failed you as your prinny instructor.”

I rubbed the tip of my flipper against the side of my face, wondering if I should just ask the dood to stop being so dramatic. “Um, are you going to tell me why, dood?”

Finally the dood turned to face me, staring down between the height difference between us solemnly. “Your spirit is prinny-shaped.”

“So’s the rest of me, dood. I don’t mind having one of those uncleansable spirits; you said it’s not a bad thing-”

“It means you won’t ever be able to reincarnate into a new life, Dood.”

I won’t be able to...?

Lord Valvatorez had covered his face with a heavy exhale, wincing as if in pain. “My one responsibility is to prepare your souls for cleansing and reincarnation... But yet, in only my third batch no less...!”

Oh, dood... “Hey, it’s not your fault-”

“As your prinny instructor I must take responsibility for this!” This dood is too intense. “Obviously my instruction must have been inadequate in some form to have resulted in-”

“You’re not to blame, dood!” I took my turn at interrupting, shocking him back into looking at me. I had made that up on the spot, dood, but it all started coming together weirdly easily. “Or, at least I don’t think you are. I haven’t exploded for a while, but the few times I did get transferred to a new hide the Infirmary staff always looked at me weird, and they would whisper about me too, dood.”

“...What?”

“I figured they were just being mean like the other prinnies are to me, dood,” I shrugged. “But if that’s the case maybe I had this all along from the earliest days of training; it can’t be your fault if that’s the case, dood.”

“But that’s- Why would...?”

I chuckled a bit. “Maybe that’s the reason I don’t have any memories of my human life. And why I had such a odd, paltry amount of sins to pay off. And this super weird name for a prinny, dood.” All those little bits... “Maybe all along I was destined to be a prinny god.”

“But why would you have been sent here in that case?”

“Maybe God was testing you, dood?” The dood laughed at the notion of God, but I dunno, dood. “If God was gonna send a prinny god down to set an example for prinnykind, why would they get sent anywhere but to the best prinny instructor there is?” Dood, I’m making myself sound like prinny-Jesus or prinny-Buddha here.

The dood’s shock faded into a softened smile, the same as when I’d complimented him like that before. “A prinny god descended?” Lord Valvatorez questioned the very idea, turning it over on his lips as he smiled. “Well, if there were any prinny to fill such a role it ought to be you, Dood.”

Hehe, you’re making me want to pirouette, dood- Aw hell, why not? “Thanks, Lord Valvatorez, dood!” I said as I spun.

“It looks as if the Red Moon fixed your wings as well,” he commented.

“Hm?” I swear, dood, it’s impossible to see any part of myself in this body; all I could catch was something purple and slightly sparkly in the non-corner of my circular eye. I didn’t need to see them to feel them finally fluttering properly when I tried to move them though. “Hey-hey, I can fly, dood! I can finally fly!” It was more like a chicken than anything, but I still made it about five feet up into the air before falling back down. Lord Valvatorez’s hands were there to catch me when I did, holding me up as I looked up at him. “Lord Valvatorez, dood, I’m gonna stay with you, and do my best as a prinny god!”

“A prinny’s sole purpose is to atone for their sins and reincarnate, not stay with me,” he scolded lightly. “But I suppose in your case we can’t help it... It’s not going to be an easy path. Are you prepared for how hard it will be to keep hope, knowing your life can never get better than this?”

“Haha, you don’t pull punches, dood.” He’s right, I’m probably not thinking this through. But, dood, “I want to make sure all the other prinnies can keep their hope so they work hard; humans have demons to punish them and angels to protect them, you said, but prinnies only have demons to punish them at the moment – Someone’s gotta look out for prinnykind. I’m gonna set an example for all the prinnies in all the netherworlds, dood, I promise!”

Uhh... why’s he looking at me so weirdly, dood? “You _promise_?”

“...Y-Yeah, I promise, dood!” Was that a bad move?

Lord Valvatorez closed his eyes, bowing his smiling face. Then the dood started to ominously chuckle and I knew it was a bad move. “Very well!” he suddenly declared, holding me up slightly. “Your training shall continue, Dood, to shape you from this meagre current self into one truly befitting of being known as a prinny god!”

“Aye-aye, dood!” Hehe, weirdly I guess this is all I ever really wanted, dood.

The dood set me down back on my own two pegs, considering me with a new look. “...How are you with healing magic, Dood?”

“Uh, I’ve never tried, dood,” I shrugged. “But I bet I have more aptitude for it now than I did before I reincarnated.”

He nodded, still thinking. “Although Fenrich and I were once capable of facing down any enemies with fortitude alone, these days we often find ourselves in need of some support on the battlefield.”

“Dood, are you...?”

“You’ve shown exceptional capability for a prinny of your experience, and you’re already well acquainted with Fenrich and I.” Uhh, you may want to run that one by Mr. Grumpy, dood. “Master some basic healing magic, and we’ll see about you joining my battle formation with Fenrich.”

“O-Okay, dood.” I guess if he’s my instructor again I can’t say no, dood. I’m gonna get myself killed so many times, aren’t I? Although I guess it doesn’t matter if I’m just going to reincarnate back as me, I still bet it’s going to hurt like a bitch, dood.

Lord Valvatorez clapped his hands. “In that case there’s no time like the present to begin! I have prinny training schedules to draw up for the next batch. I expect you to have mastered the first tier of healing spells by the end of the week.”

Wait, what happened to ‘we’ll see’, dood?! It’s just a given I’m getting roped into being slaughtered alongside you now? “Aye-aye, dood...” Here we go again, dood...

~DOOD~

“Reporting for duty, Lord Valvatorez, dood!” I was back by the end of the week, just in time before the dood made me Fenrich’s latest chewtoy instead of the new prinny trainees that Mr. Grumpy was having so much fun punishing into line.

“Ah, Dood.” He set his various financial impvoices aside. “One moment – Fenrich!” the dood called at the door connecting to Fenrich’s room. “I presume you learnt the first tier healing spells?”

“I’m still learning Espoir, but I got the Infirmary dood and Sir Pri to teach me Heal – He took me to some _weird_ places, dood – and it’s all ready to go!” I said turning to Fenrich already entering, so eager to hump his master’s leg until he saw me. “Yo, Fen-dood!”

Dood, being murdered will so be worth the absolutely bewildered face the dood pulled before settling into a snarling scowl. “Don’t you dare refer to me so informally, you uncleansable reject!” he barked, forgetting himself in front of his Lord pretty amusingly. “Go do some useful work like the rest of the prinnies!”

“Now, Fenrich,” Lord Valvatorez said as he sifted through the books on his desk, unfazed by the other dood’s disobedience while Fenrich startled into a polite posture ridiculously fast, “Dood isn’t like the rest of the prinnies, and there’s far more appropriate work for them to be doing.”

Mr. Grumpy’s golden irises slid to the sides of his eyes, turning into a glare, dood, before they look respectfully forward again.

“They have begun an education in healing spells, and as such I intend for them to join our battle formation with a view to learning more magic as time goes on.” Hoo boy, I could already see Fenrich did _not_ like that, dood. “I also intend to fashion them into a symbol of model prinny behaviour so that they can assist in instruction as well. Here, Dood,” The dood held out his Princyclopaedia, “you should begin a study of this.”

“Aye aye, dood!” It disappeared as easily into my pouch as everything else that shouldn’t be able to fit in there.

“Is all that amenable to you, Fenrich?”

Dood, I was surprised Fenrich didn’t bite through his lip he had been chewing it so hard to keep his opinion quiet until now. “My Lord,” the dood began in quite the sharp exhale, “you cannot possibly think a _prinny_ can be a suitable addition to our battle formation – You and I are a duo! We work best alone, trusting no one but each other.”

“Fenrich, you are always worrying over my health in battle since I lost my power; I thought you would welcome a healer to assist us.”

“Well-” The dood cut himself off with a very awkward noise, caught in a self-set trap. “I... E-Even still, Lord Val, why a prinny?” he asked, though I knew the dood meant why ‘this’ prinny. “There are far more suitable units to cover where we lack in magical capability-! O-Or you could educate yourself in magic! Your intelligence is formidable enough you could easily master a basic command of-”

“I can’t heal myself at the same time I’m busy attacking, Fenrich,” the dood rightly pointed out. “And Dood has proven themself a worthy fighter multiple times in the past. Though their initial disposition may not lend itself to this role, they have the far more important proven quality of being a fast and dedicated learner.” I nodded along as if that was true, dood. “Their nature as a prinny should not be held against them if they are capable of doing the job.”

“Yeah, that’s disprinnination, dood!” I made up on the spot.

Hehe, I actually managed to make the dood want to murder me even more; I really am all-powerful, dood. “You’re already set on this, aren’t you, Lord Val?” Fenrich asked in a weary tone I was disappointed to hear; don’t give up already, dood! I still want to annoy you some more.

“Not if you truly have some objection to it,” Lord Valvatorez said. Uh-oh, now I’m worrying for my position again, dood. “You will always be my first and foremost comrade, whomever else may become our comrade.”

Aw, Fen-dood’s tail started wagging slightly. “I am gratified to hear that, my Lord.” Now he glared down at me with full-force, not hiding a bit of that pointed, gold antipathy. I was even more worried when he suddenly smirked though, dood. “Well, I suppose prinnies do have _one_ particular use in battles other units don’t have...” he alluded to with malicious mirth.

“Dood, I’m not joining if I’m going to get thrown at the enemy to be a living bomb,” I turned to Lord Valvatorez. That’s not too much to expect surely, dood?

Lord Valvatorez considered, and I suppose we’d put him on the spot between us, before declaring, “I promise you will only have your explosive nature put to use when strategically necessary, Dood.”

Uh, that’s not a ‘never’, dood. I could already see Fenrich thinking up strategies to take advantage of it.

“In light of this,” the dood continued, “it’s not really necessary nor fair to continue to have you abide by normal prinny routines. And if you’re to fight alongside us you must be in prime condition – You’re welcome to as many sardines as you want, from here on.”

Unlimited sardines? “Behind you one hundred percent, Lord Valvatorez!” Heck, go ahead and explode me as much you want!

Mr. Grumpy tutted my celebratory flipper-pump, but he’d been brought to heel on the matter, dood. “These damn prinnies...”

“Indeed,” Lord Valvatorez agreed, “the state of most prinnies is simply appalling. Hence why I was pleased to accept Dood’s promise to help with their instruction going forward.”

Fenrich’s eyes widened. “‘Promise’?” The dood turned one hell of a glare on me, a ‘You didn’t’ kind. I still don’t even know what I did, dood.

“Hey, Lord Valvatorez,” I’m going there, dood, “now I’m part of the team you don’t have to keep shutting me out of the room whenever you and Fenrich wanna make out, or more. Team-building and all that.”

Fenrich absolutely spluttered. “You outrageous-!”

“I suppose it’s no secret from you, yes,” Lord Valvatorez nodded. He must be such a pain to have as a boyfriend, dood.

“Sweet.” It’s not that I dislike Fen-dood or anything; I just like rubbing his fur up the wrong way to see how he reacts, dood.

With a histrionic sigh, “If that is all, my Lord?” Fenrich stormed out of the room back to his once permitted to go. Hehe, the dood makes a fuss, but I think he likes our rivalry too.

“One last thing, Dood.”

Dood?

I walked up to his desk edge where he was rummaging in that impossible cape of his, “To prevent any accidental explosions that would prevent you executing your promised duty,” the dood reached out with a white scarf in his hands, winding it around my neck. “A scarf, if specially infused, can apparently overwrite a prinny’s naturally explosive nature; they say it’s what hero prinnies wear. Be sure not to let it slip off if you take any hits in battle.”

Aw... dood... “A-Aye aye, dood!” He’s such a sweetie, dood!

“Off you go now,” Lord Valvatorez said softly. “Get to your Princyclopaedia studies.”

“Yes, Lord Valvatorez, dood!” I saluted so easily by now.

The dood smiled, “Thank you, Dood.”

And I walked out from the room into my new life, dood.

~DOOD~

“So that’s what’s really up with Lord Valvatorez and Fenrich, dood,” I finish for the assembled crowd. “They’re not in love, but they totally are and simply refuse to call it that.”

“I totally called it,” Fuka nods, her little sister sparkling with admiration beside her. “But what was all that stuff about you? We didn’t ask for all that.”

“It’s called setting the scene, dood!” What an ungrateful audience, dood... “I’ve been looking after your butts in battle this whole time, be grateful and interested in me! While you’re all standing around chatting everywhere we go someone has to watch for enemies, you know, dood. Honestly, you all act like you’re the only unique people around here with interesting stories...”

“Whatever,” Fuka says; I really get Fenrich’s beef with this unprinny, dood. “So you’ve seen the two of them kissing?”

Still, we do have a few similar interests. “Hehe, I’ve been privy to a lot of stuff you doods never will,” I enjoy holding over their heads.

“Like what’s under Fenrich’s bandages?” Emizel asks.

“Or about Mr. Vampire’s childhood?” Artina’s hands clasp together.

“I, for one, am curious to hear more about his origins and lack of memory,” Hugo says, a contemplative hand stroking that intense beard of his.

“I just want to know why I’ve been dragged to listen to all this,” Nemo mutters, leaning on a bored flipper, and that’s true I really oughta be instructing the dood in prinny work right now.

“Ooh, did Mr. Valvatorez ever say more about that other person he once considered romancing?” Flonne began getting that way too passionate look about her, dood. “Was it Artina?”

“L-Lady Archangel!”

“Why don’t you tell a far more interesting story? One about me!” Axel speaks up, and I could really slap the guy. I never get tired of beating him up in battle.

“Tell us a story with a final boss this time!” There goes Desco, as ever.

“No, tell one where I’m the main character!” Asagi, dood, you’re just digging yourself into a more pathetic hole with every appearance.

“Doods,” I cut in, “that’s enough for today.” A few of the younger ones actually whine; that’s kind of cute, dood. “We should all get back to work before-”

“What the hell is going on here?”

I practically cued him in, didn’t I, dood?

Before I can get us out of this in one piece, “Dood was telling us a _very_ interesting story, Fenfen,” Fuka decides she wants to share to her death wish with the whole group, dood.

“Story?” He turns from glaring at her to glare down at me; don’t even bother, dood, I’m practically immune by now. “You reject of a god, you better not have been telling them anything about us.”

“Ehh... It was mostly about me, dood,” I play off casually.

“It was about when Valzy tried to _romance_ you!”

“Dood!” That’s it, we’re screwed, dood.

And there emerges the claws and fangs, right on cue. “You-!”

“Oh? This looks rather merry.” Salvation! “What are you all doing together here?”

I skip gleefully out of the way of Fenrich’s clawed swipe, away to hide behind Lord Valvatorez’s legs. “Fenrich’s just jealous of me like usual, Lord Valvatorez, dood.”

“I am not jealous!” Hehe, the dood’s so cute when he roars. “That prinny was sharing our secrets!”

When Lord Valvatorez looks down at me I can simply shrug. “All I did was tell them all the story of how I came to be your comrade, dood.”

And the innocent dood just looks back satisfied. “I don’t see an issue with that, Fenrich.”

Fen-dood gives one of his utterly exasperated exhales, and I’m so in for it when he manages to actually tell Lord Valvatorez what I did – Eh, so what? It’s not like I can die-die anymore, dood – but for now I cling to the back of those legs like ever.

Because I’ll always be behind you, Lord Valvatorez, dood.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There are 1,190 uses of the word ‘dood’ in this story. That means nearly 4%, or 1 in every 25 words, in this story are ‘dood’. Doooood...
> 
> Dood has gone on to learn (in my _Disgaea 4 _file), Peta Heal and all four Peta elemental spells. When it was down to just them and Valvatorez in the final battle, they were the one who distracted Fear the Great's attention and sacrificed themself so Val could land the killing blow. They've been a good Prinny God to me, just like they promised.__
> 
> _  
> _I've still got more Valfen and other _Disgaea_ fic on the way, doods. In the meantime, if you enjoy my work here's my [Carrd](https://milfeirn.carrd.co/)._  
> _


End file.
